By James Applegate

SGA SUITE, JOE ROSENFIELD ‘25 CENTER – As the longest government shutdown in American history stretches on, Grinnell’s very own Student Government Association has decided to take matters into its own hands regarding one of the most publicized consequences of the shutdown: the painful asphyxiation of SNAP and similar federal assistance programs. But America needs never again be food insecure, for today, after many long, twice-a-month, one-hour meetings of arduous brainstorming, expansive and compassionate sociological investigation, rigorous tabling somewhere in D-Hall (we think), and a “very insightful” all-campus Google Form, SGA announced a new initiative to address essential needs across the Grinnell student body: Sweeping Nutrition Assistance Grinnell, or SNAG.

SGA President Nye V. Caresalot, ‘26, for one, was thrilled to announce SNAG late last week. “I think I can really speak for all of us when I say that SGA was really trying to find a way to step into Congress’s shoes, to do what Congress won’t: totally solve food insecurity.” And step into Congress’s empty shoes, SGA certainly has. According to a report from the SGA Treasurer, SNAG was originally forecasted to supply not one, not two, but three total fruit-snack packs per student. SGA has also partnered with the Department of Student Affairs (DSA) to help distribute the fruit snacks after the smashing success of the 6 cots during the infamous heatwave of 2023. And with SNAG’s first-come, first-served model of care, SGA is ensuring that anyone can get help, doing away with arbitrary, dehumanizing, and bureaucratic definitions of need.

How will all these fruit snacks be paid for? Caresalot laughs. “We were facing some difficulty being respectful of the student fund that’s allocated to KDIC and Weekend. But then I realized that we needed to make some hard decisions: why stop with our excess budget when we can just blow it all? So that’s what we did!” 

This inspirational, expanded vision for SNAG will consume the entire student activities fund, the pool of money under SGA meant for SEPCs and RSOs, to bulk purchase essential foods for America (mostly fruit snacks, GoGurts, and Gushers). When pressed about the consequences of dissolving SEPC and RSO funding and in effect abolishing a large swath of campus life, President Caresalot called it “a small price to pay to feed the nation. C’mon, guys; we need to make some sacrifices if we’re going to help people. We’re finally taking matters into our own hands!” He spreads his arms in a gesture of plentiful generosity. “Come, all you who hunger, or who would kinda like a snack right about now, and be satisfied!”

Food will be distributed on a first-come, first-served basis in the SGA Suite, JRC 222. Caresalot says he’s excited to open new locations across campus and the nation, in preparation for the influx of the hungry American masses. “Drop by to satisfy your essential needs! EXTRA fruit snacks for the first 100 people!” an SGA flyer announces. “Open 4–8, Monday through Friday every week until Winter Break!”*