By Edie Worrell

MAIL ROOM- Early this past Monday morning, students discovered a glitch in the newly implemented Smart Locker system, when Jinky Andrews ‘25 noticed a message pop up on the “Pioneer” locker screen as she went to retrieve her package.

“The message read: Show me ur t*ts lol,” Jinky explained. “At first I was like, haha, who’s doing this? That’s kind of a brilliant prank! But then when another message popped up a few seconds later, I decided to take my chances.”

The second message, which popped up around 20 seconds after the first one appeared, read: “Dont laf, I want 2 see dem honkers.” Andrews decided to take her chances– lifting up her shirt, she flashed her breasts at the locker’s camera, and soon after heard the familiar “pop” of the electronic locker opening.

“I was really confused because I had already gotten my first package– but when the locker opened I looked inside and there was an unmarked Amazon package, tied up with green ribbon. I decided to open it,” Andrews said. Inside this package, she discovered 1 meal swipe voucher and a higher minimum wage. She informed us how she believed the gifts to be very thoughtful and ended up taking them home.

As word traveled around Grinnell’s campus, students gathered in droves to go and flash their chests to the electronic bachelor. Again and again, they were rewarded with these mysterious, unmarked packages, full of things like a window AC unit, more meal vouchers, and all sorts of flavors of vapes. At this time, no one knows where the packages are coming from, or how the smart lockers are accessing them. 

Oscar Meyer ‘24, explained his frustrations surrounding the situation.“I was hearing from all these people how if you flash your boobs at the lockers you get some sort of free present,” Meyers stated. Unfortunately, he expressed that upon revealing his chest to the lockers the screen turned black and no package was gifted to him. “I thought that maybe it was because I didn’t actually have any boobs that the computers didn’t give me anything. So, I took out my junk and waved it in front of the camera as some sort of private-part equivalent.” Much to Meyer’s dismay, the only gift he received was a message that popped up almost immediately on the screen, reading: “Oh god pls stop enough enough fine I’ll give u a package just leave me alone.” But, the computer seemingly lied, because after he zipped up his pants, he waited about 5 minutes for a locker to open with no luck. “That fucking smart-ass computer tricked me. And then it told me to wash my balls. Not cool.” Meyers declined to give further statements on his further attempts to get the lockers to open up.

On catching wind of this scandal, President Anne Harris sent out an email assuring the student body and staff that this issue was being “looked into” and being treated “with the utmost seriousness.” At this time, she, IT, and the mail services department explained that they have no idea what was causing the lockers to display these vile messages. 

“It’s definitely not a hack in the system,” Harold Kent, director of the college’s cybersecurity department told us, “right now, it seems like we just have a very horny computer on our hands.” Despite Harris’ message to the student body telling them to stay away from the lockers and to “not interact with this inexplicable entity” the mail room has stayed packed full of students waiting for their turn with the locker. 

“We’re thinking of shutting mail services down completely for the time being,” Harris wrote in a separate email. “We can only hope that this computer runs out of packages to give.”

The B&S reached out to Mail Services for comment but received no response.