By Conrad Dahm

GRASSY PATCH NEAR NOYCE- As students made their normal Monday morning walk to classes, they notice something different today: the Humanities and Social Sciences Center (HSSC) was gone. Yep, you read that right: the HSSC literally disappeared.

“I was trying to go to my history seminar this morning but the building is gone, just like gone,” said one third-year student. “I haven’t heard anything from my Professor about this either.

Students have been found sitting around the now grassy patches of land, placing their backpacks down and walking away with some saying “I still need my study spot.”

Reactions amongst the faculty and student body have been mixed.

“If I’m being honest, I just learned about a week ago what the HSSC is (or was),” said Joe Biden ‘24. “I’m a STEM major so I spent most of my time in Noyce.”

One Spanish Professor said “Your work is still due, I am not granting extensions due to HSSC being gone. Deal with it.”

The B&S wanted to ensure that the HSSC really was gone. After investigating this claim, the B&S decided to do a fact-check. We can say that HSSC has disappeared. However, our investigation did not stop there. We decided to do a little more investigating. Our results will shock you.

Our reporters have spent hours looking into the facts and discovered that President Anne Harris had stolen the HSSC in a strange turn of events. How you might ask? We decided to ask President Harris about how she did the heist.

“It was easy, see. While all of you were shitfaced this weekend at Kink Gardner, I used my Despicable Me shrinking machine to shrink the HSSC! It was genius!” President Harris then showed us her shrinking machine, like the one Gru used to shrink the moon in the movie. 

We wanted to push further and figure out why President Harris would steal the HSSC, one of the most iconic features of our beloved College. 

“As many don’t know, I have been engaging in a years-long effort to return stolen Nutcrackers that were mine from the dining hall. I have tried everything, even writing an editorial in your fucking paper. Now who’s laughing? Have fun getting your degree without a HSSC,” Harris said as she laughed. 

The B&S tried to reason with Harris telling her “Our staff is all humanities majors. We need the HSSC to graduate!”

We received the following response: “too bad. cry about it loser 🙁

So now dear readers, our story seems to be coming to a close. Our school has lost the HSSC, leaving the future of Grinnell to be unknown. Hopefully, soon it will be returned, but for now, a miniature HSSC sits atop Harris’s desk in her office. Please give it back. We want to graduate.