By Chris Cardenas

GARDNER LOUNGE–Seeing your classmates on Monday after a weekend at Kink Gardner can feel uncomfortably degrading. You make eye contact with the guy who you ate whipped cream off of while dressed up in a slutty Che Guevara costume, and suddenly, the idea of getting a well-rounded education at a small liberal arts college doesn’t sound quite so appealing anymore. 

Nervous, you try to imagine that everyone in the room is naked, but your mind suddenly shifts to a vivid image of Professor Dinkler wearing nothing but chains, gleaming under the fluorescent lights. “I know you want to seize these means of reproduction,” he utters to you in the depths of your hallucination, shoving your Applied Sociology textbooks on the floor. “I have nothing to lose but these chains.” Thankfully, this discomforting daydream comes to an end as he cold calls you. You just hope he won’t ask to meet you in his office after class.

You’re found tying yourself in knots during your lab. Your lab partner totally saw you howling in your (sustainable and cruelty-free) wolf tail. Do you pretend last night never happened, or do you address the elephant in the room – or rather, the elephant g-string? Are you sure you trust your lab partner to be around mice?

Fear not, for you are not alone in this post-kink crisis. Across campus, students have shared their experiences adjusting to the life of latex and leather.

“We all have kinks; let’s just own them,” Nathaniel Farmer ‘25 argues. “Whether it’s whips, blindfolds, vampires, we should express ourselves. Now can you please stop poking me with that feather?” (Our interviewer stopped poking him with their feather. It was not in their best interest.)

However, some students feel satisfied with leaving freaky Friday in the past. “Look, I’m glad we all had our fun,” said Tom “Tommy” Udsen. “But between Saddam Hussein, the tickle monster, my professor, and general chumpfuckery, it was a fuckcrustable of a day. Tommy needy drinky.”

Meanwhile, other students find themselves unable to move past the issues that emerged from the Gardner. “Make it make sense,” remarked frustrated Marcus Ponzo ‘26, who requested to remain anonymous. “You didn’t have the time to complete the methods section of our paper this week, yet you found time to adorn yourself with a luxury leash and collar kit, complete with an adjustable back strap and front O ring, and play fetch like a well-trained pooch?” Our interviewer suspects that Marcus may have been referring directly to them, so they promptly concluded the interview. (Get over it, Marcus.)

From Organic Chemistry class to Spencer Grill, Annie Howler ‘26 continues to proudly display her leather puppy mask. “Arf! Arf! Yawp!” Annie added. The interview came to an abrupt end when she bit both their hand and microphone.