By Catherine Terelak

JRC 101—Grinnell College Weekend’s Spa Night event took a dark turn at approximately 7:47 p.m. when Dr. Franklin Jablinski (a.k.a., the Botox King of Central Iowa), arrived in his Plumping Van and started hawking his wares. “We got B.B.L.’s!” he shouted from the sidewalk. “We can do it right in the back of my van! One hundred percent your own stomach fat pumped back into your ass! Forty-five percent non-rejection rate!”

When questioned by B&S correspondents, Weekend coordinators had no memory of inviting Dr. Jablinski to Spa Night. The Botox King himself freely admitted that he had not been contracted by the college: “I just find myself drawn to places where people are suffering from flat asses. I think I’m sorta like Mother Teresa, in that way.”

“Mother Teresa did B.B.L.’s?” said the B&S correspondent. 

Dr. Jablinski considered this proposition, squeezing the springy plastic of his forehead. “Spiritually, yes.” 

The second implication of Dr. Jablinski’s statement—that Grinnellians in particular are suffering from flat asses—is patently untrue. The National Butt Index, a subsection of the Grinnell College National Poll, indicated that most Grinnellian asses fall into the “Firm” range, with a not-insignificant population of “Juicy” asses. Professor Derriere, Chair of the Grinnell College Department of Posterior Studies, said, “While I disagree with Dr. Jablinski’s assessment that B.B.L. is an appropriate intervention for this institution, I do believe that increased access to creatine and college-wide glute workouts would do wonders for the state of asses on campus. We’re in a good position now, but after midterms our asses will be flatter than ever before.” 

Back in the Plumping Van, Dr. Jablinski explained that he’s not in it for the money: “Back in nineteen eighty-five, back when they called me Flat Ass Frank, I was never invited to any parties. And then I would stay home and sit on my ass, which compounded the issue by further flattening my ass. It was a devastating cycle, until a B.B.L. procedure changed my life.”  

Dr. Jablinski explained that things are not the way they were back in eighty-five. The condition of having a flat ass has been studied and understood—help is available. “Fully equipped with all the proper knives and needles,” he said, “customers can rest easy knowing that the Plumping Van is clean, safe, and effective.” 

Though there’s no medical ethics oversight body that governs B.B.L.’s, Dr. Jablinski wants you to believe that he’s a competent practitioner of plastic surgery. “For thirty years, I’ve been watching formerly-licensed doctors like myself perform B.B.L.’s for agéd showgirls in the back alleys of Las Vegas. It doesn’t look very difficult—and honestly, it isn’t. It’s like playing Mr. Potato Head, except with real human flesh. And if your new ass dies, which it definitely might, we can talk about prosthetics. These days, there are plenty of fantastic options made from the plaster casts of all your favorite celebrities’ asses.”

For now, though, Professor Derriere warns against needless surgery in the back of the Plumping Van. “If you’re concerned about your ass, start with creatine and glute day and see how that feels. If you’re not seeing results, book an appointment with SHAW and they’ll take a look at your case and make a referral to Dr. Jablinski in no less than five business days.” 

In the meantime, she encourages the posteriorly afflicted to attend a weekly support group called Flat Asses Anonymous and is asking all students with unnecessarily large asses to consider participating in the Wilson Center’s new Ass Donation and Recycling Program. “It’s quick, easy, and it supports a great cause,” she says.