By Jude Morgan

JRC—Early this past Monday, students residing in South Residence halls were rudely awoken to the shouts of horror as stem professors were greeted with the empty crater where Noyce once stood. It is believed around 2 A.M. the night prior, a group of armed vandals had managed to lift and carry the entirety of Noyce Science Center off of its foundations and away from campus. An official statement released from the Grinnell Department of Defense indicates this event could be linked to the local militant group of bike thieves, who have been operating in the area for many months now, reinvigorated by the cold weather and wide selection of bikes. 

This comes after a string of successful strikes by the bike thieves on unsuspecting students who had left their bikes to the will of South Loggia. But now, these thieves have been setting their eyes on increasingly expensive goals, as well as increasing the ferocity and frequency of attacks. In the past month alone, it is estimated fourteen catalytic converters have been stolen from student cars. On one occasion, all the cars in the east campus parking lot were discovered wheeless and on cinder blocks, except for one. First year George Tree returned from class to find his KIA Soul completely untouched. He describes the incident as “enraging”. 

“I get that driving a Kia Soul is the most humiliating thing a person can do, but they don’t need to rub it in. They could’ve at least taken my cherry blast little tree air freshener.” In response to this horrible event, the B&S will be starting a Gofundme to aid George in finding a better fucking car. Campus Safety has refused to offer any official statement on the incident, but has threatened to revoke the thieves’ parking passes if such atrocities continue. 

These attacks have continued for the better part of four weeks, ultimately culminating in the sudden and unexpected disappearance of Noyce. The Office of the President has confirmed that multiple Physics students were trapped in the basement of Noyce during the heist, still trying desperately to understand anything at all about whatever they do. In response, President of the College Anne Harris has declared martial law, vowing to “return Noyce and those poor helpless physics students at any cost.” Upon finding out that all of the students trapped were Union members, all search efforts were immediately dropped. As a result of the trauma inflicted on the student body, classes will continue as normal.