Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Binston Swongo Wins SGA Election with Landslide Victory of Both Votes

By Bohdin Bright

JRC — The great game-show wheel of the sky has come up in March once again, and students from across Grinnell College are, as usual, completely ignoring the SGA elections. But little do they realize that they are living in a legend, an inflection point around which the entire axis of history will turn, a moment that future generations will look back upon for thousands of years to come; Binston Swongo has been elected as president of the SGA.

Running on a platform of national unity and strong leadership, Swongo’s natural charisma and impassioned speeches won the hearts – and votes – of the only two people who bothered to attend the debates, neither of whom were the other candidates. When questioned about his missing opponents, Swongo instead launched into a speech about how he would legalize open carry because “it would be pretty funny.”

But the election was just the start. Swongo has already created plans for an impressive amount of policies for his first term in office. The full list has unfortunately been kept secret as a matter of national security, but due to its long history of support for Swongo, the B&S has been allowed to publish a select few programs. First on the docket is to switch the standard measurement of length back from the International Foot to the US Survey Foot, emphasizing our national identity by making a huge deal out of a tiny and pointless difference. He also plans to mobilize the national reserves of Binston Swongo’s Army – commonly abbreviated as the BSA – to “fight against the mole people who live under Noyce.” 

However, the best is yet to come. Even our special access has only allowed us a brief glimpse at what has been designated “Project Codename”; a plan to increase the number of titles and awards available to people who run for office with the SGA. Ideally, if students get to call themselves Grand Vizier and wear richly decorated robes rather than being stuck with Vice President of Student Affairs and a thrifted suit jacket, somebody will actually run for the position next year. 

While Swongo’s leadership has so far been met with resounding apathy by the student body, foreign opinions are not nearly as positive. Several countries, including Cobrastan, New Zealand, and the Republic of Molossia, have even gone so far as to condemn Grinnell College and recall their embassies. Exactly how this international falling-out will affect global politics remains to be seen, but early projections by students who were really into Model UN in high school indicate that it will probably involve NGOs.

 

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1 Comment

  1. A. Lipari

    Here’s how Binston can still win.

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