By Catherine Terelak

JRC—In pee-cent weeks, Grinnellians have brought vials of their urine into D-Hall to measure against the new “Assess Your Hydration Status” chart, a helpful infographic located conveniently near the JRC bathrooms. Tinkla Pissler ‘26 reports that her urine trickles out at a healthy Level 2. “I love water!” she said. “It tastes delicious, like a swimming pool.” Pissful Urington ‘24 of Bilox-pee, Mississip-pee is a victim of Level 8 Dehydration. As suggested on the poster, he’s “seeking help.” 

Dr. Pee-ter Leakling, Grinnell College’s resident Czar of Hydration, has been following Urington to the bathroom every night to inspect the color of his urine. Under Dr. Leakling’s medical guidance, Urington has increased his vodka-to-Gatorade ratio to the CDC-recommended standard of 1:1 and is making good progress in his Hydration Journey. “For the first time in years, I can almost see the bottom of the toilet bowl,” he said. “And it’s all thanks to Dr. Pee-ter Leakling and the D-Hall Piss Chart.” 

While the D-Hall Piss Chart appears to be an innocent effort to improve the health of the community, the B&S has been in-piss-tigating an alleged double meaning behind the famous infographic. It is with heavy hearts and heavier bladders that we report that, though he has become much pee-loved in Grinnell, it is abundant-pee obvi-piss that Dr. Pee-ter Leakling has been running an underground margarita bar to dehydrate students and increase the need for his services. 

Dr. Urina Pisski, the Cocaine-Endowed Chair of the Grinnell Department of Pre-Scientific Psychology, explained to the B&S that Dr. Leakling has been using a sophisticated system of subliminal messaging to lure students down to the basement of the JRC for bottomless margaritas every Thursday night. In an acquaintance-reviewed, quintuple-blind study by the Department of Pre-Modern Psychology, 97% of Grinnellians who were shown the D-Hall Piss Chart without the surrounding context believed that it was a margarita menu. “Surrounded by alcoholic degenerates and primed to expect booze,” Dr. Pisski said, “Grinnellians have a natural inclination to seek margaritas where there are none. Dr. Leakling knows this and is weaponizing it for his own selfish gain. He does this by serving the students so many margaritas they can’t remember drinking any at all—and then on Friday morning, when they compare their urine to the D-Hall Piss Chart, he comes running with a gallon of Godka and a shoulder to cry on. It really pisses me off.” 

On a tip from the B&S, the Grinnell Police Pee-partment launched an initial in-piss-tigation into the sus-piss-ous activities of Dr. Pee-ter Leakling. This said, an arrest looks unlikely. “The man makes a fine marg,” said Chief of Police Pisstopher P. Urinhower, “and my urine is clearer than ever, courtesy of Dr. Leakling’s famous Godka. As far as I can tell, Dr. Pee-ter Leakling is an asset to the community, not a detriment.” 

Still, Dr. Pisski warns students against looking directly at the D-Hall Piss Chart. “If you want to reach Level 9 Dehydration, do it on your own terms. Don’t let Dr. Pee-ter Leakling monetize your self-destruction. Above all, remember that Grinnell doesn’t piss itself—Grinnellians do.”