By Chris Cardenas

ROSENBLOOM FIELD–B&S investigators have blown the whistle on a Grinnell Football scandal that is sure to leave audiences both tickled and bewildered. In a stunning turn of events, the B&S has discovered that all Grinnell “tackle” stats are actually “tickle” stats. It appears our football team’s defensive skills lie not in bone-crushing takedowns, but in the subtle art of the tickle. Instead of bringing down ball carriers with thunderous force, our Pioneers are seemingly deploying a strategic arsenal of feather-light pokes, leaving opponents giggling uncontrollably as they scamper past the goal line. 

According to insider sources, the tickle strategy was allegedly implemented by head coach Zach “Tickle Tactician” Tucker as a way to inject some levity into the game and catch opponents off guard. What started as a lighthearted experiment soon evolved into a full-fledged defensive strategy, with players developing their tickle techniques in secret tickle training sessions. 

“Our tickle sessions really get me rallied up,” explained one anonymous player. “A well-placed tickle can be just as effective as a tackle, awakening desires I never knew I had. Plus, it’s a real hoot.” 

But while the Grinnell Pioneers may be laughing on the field, the revelation has raised serious questions about the integrity of college football and sports journalism. How many other teams are employing unconventional tactics under the appearance of traditional plays? And what does this mean for the future of the sport? Is football becoming too woke? Furthermore, how can we trust so-called “papers” like the Scarlet & Black now that they have gone woke? 

“DIII football is now the league of sexual anarchy,” remarked one bewildered commentator. “I always thought our defense was a bit unconventional, but tickling? I blame Taylor Swift. Next thing you know, they’ll be handing out participation trophies for the best pronouns.” 

But the rumors get even wilder. Insider reports suggest the Pioneers are exploring “alternative victory conditions.” Games might end with both teams holding hands in a circle, sharing their deepest fears and aspirations. Winners will be determined by each team’s emotional vulnerability and ability to express their true selves. 

 Additionally, instead of a linebacker tackling the quarterback, they offer him a friendly jab with a syringe filled with the Pfizer vaccine. Who knows, by the end of the game, it might not be a victory dance but a tender kiss that seals the deal for the winning team. 

For now, the Grinnell football program remains under scrutiny, with calls for an official investigation into their tickle tactics. But regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: the next time you see a Grinnell player going in for what looks like a tackle, brace yourself for a ticklish surprise.