By Bohdin Bright

JRC—The Student Government Association has long been a bastion of the traditional American values: freedom, equality, and liberty for all. But recently, a new tradition has found its way into those vaunted halls: taking bribes.

Taco John’s is a restaurant chain well-known amongst the student body as the Home of Potato Olés, but behind the delicious veneer of crunchy fried spuds, a dark secret lurks. For months, the profits from the seemingly benign business have been funneled into the pockets of SGA Senators in exchange for a wide variety of off-the-books benefits.

Our secret correspondent in the Senate—who has remained anonymous in order to elude discovery and capture—provided an interview via dead-drop last week. They state that “Taco John’s has always been closely tied with the SGA, but they’re gearing up for something big. The plans are kept under heavy guard, but I managed to sneak in and replace it with a copy Indiana Jones-style. It was really awesome; you should have seen it.” 

At this point, the correspondent went on for several more minutes about how cool they were when they stole the secret plans. Luckily, they did eventually get back around to the contents of said plans: “The gist of it is that Taco John’s wants to spread their influence more overtly on campus. You know the phrase ‘Taco Tuesday’? They actually have that trademarked*, and plan to hold an event every Tuesday where the taco bar they want to open in D-Hall will be the only thing you’re allowed to eat.”

Such a plan seems almost too horrible to consider. It is the right of every American citizen to choose whatever lunch they like on Tuesdays. However, the B&S prides itself on providing impartial news coverage. In order to get the other side of the story, a reporter was sent to speak with Cam Payne, President of the SGA.

“I can say with conviction that all accusations against the SGA are categorically false,” Payne said, skillfully avoiding the original question. When questioned about the giant pile of burlap sacks imprinted with dollar signs and the words ‘Bribe Money’, he replied “Oh, those? Those are just decorations. I think they really liven up my office, and they make decent bean bag chairs in a pinch.” 

With that enlightening interview, it seemed clear that nothing shady is going on within the SGA. Our correspondent must have been making things up to make themselves seem more interesting again. But as this article was almost ready for publication, the dulcet tones of a kazoo wafted into our editor’s ears. It was famous kazoo-blower and certified patriot Mick Carthy. He had learned about Taco John’s “communist” plans to “destroy America” and “knew he had to do something”, namely forming a counter-Taco John’s organization: SPUD. He has declined to mention what the acronym stands for.

Carthy’s full statement wasn’t suitable for print, but the general meaning was that SPUD will be holding secret meetings—open to attendance for “true American patriots”—with the intention of countering the spread of Taco John’s influence in the SGA. He additionally brought up the importance of secrecy to his new organization and requested that we don’t publish the location (Gardner Lounge) or the password to get into the meetings (sing the national anthem backwards). There was also something about “Domino’s Theory” that we weren’t able to figure out, but it probably wasn’t that important.

The situation is far from resolved and it’s uncertain what the final outcome will be, but what is certain is that the B&S will continue to keep you updated on the unfolding events.

*Our colleagues over at Business Insider have kindly verified this information for us. Check out their article at https://www.businessinsider.com/taco-tuesday-trademark-taco-johns-legal-woes-2019-8