By Josh Payong

JRC COURTYARD—As part of their recently adopted International Human Outreach Program (IHOP), aliens have begun to contribute to the great American economy by selling posters to debt-drowned college students. This follows the Mexican Congress’ supposed unveiling of mummified alien corpses (or as they prefer to be called, People of Extraterrestrial Emergence, or PEE), which heralded their emergence from secrecy and integration into human society. These entrepreneurial endeavors have reportedly been taking place right here in the Jewel of the Prairie.

“There is truly no better doorway into human civilization than Grinnell, Iowa, home of the renowned B&S Publication and the Middle of Everywhere,” says Gleepsnorkle ‘Big G’ McSnartlepop, a minimum wage cashier working for the “Poster Invasion” initiative.

Initially attempting to infiltrate Grinnell College using human disguises to slowly acclimate its population to shared spaces with PEEs, Poster Invasion’s cover was quickly blown by the College’s discerning student body.

“I mean, it was pretty obvious,” states fourth-year Frederick Cumberbatch, “their sticky putty literally never peels the paint off my walls. If that isn’t alien tech, then I’m the damn president.” Cumberbatch is set to lead the Democratic party in the 2036 presidential elections.

Grinnellians were split between Pro-PEE and Anti-PEE when it came to approaching this new change in population. Many from the latter can be seen on campus sporting picket signs with sentiments like “Out with the PEE!” and “Human. Together. STRONG!”

Many PEE sympathizers have appealed to the College’s progressive history, with one anonymous protester proclaiming that “diversity has always been one of Grinnell’s strong suits; we as a student body would always rally against bigots at the drop of a hat, so it saddens me that some fail to extend their acceptance to the PEEs just because they’re built like a wrinkly, dry, emaciated, second-hand, vacuum-packed grocery store microwavable burrito.” 

These activists are highly prominent on Instagram and other social media, rallying under the hashtag #PEEWithMe. The College has yet to reform to any demands from either side.

Weighing in from the PEEs’ side of the situation, Blergmatenga ‘Bob’ Flarberdanglet has spoken out on the discrimination she has faced since the Poster Invasion: “Human or otherwise, we are all carbon-based lifeforms. Nothing warrants the hate speech and exclusion I’ve experienced ever since coming out of the skinsuit as a PEE. People call me ‘Yoda,’ ‘Men in Black extra,’ and most obscenely, ‘pl*rpglorper,’ when all I’m doing is sliming up the hammocks. It’s sick.”

Her mate, Greepslorkle ‘Bob 2’ Flarberdanglet feels the same. “None of us mean any harm. If anything, the harm should be directed to those filthy sulfur-based lowlifes in Kepler-186f!” he exclaims, sporting a T-shirt that says “PEE Power!”

This afternoon, President Anne Harris (PEE birth name Anne Harrisn’t) was shockingly unveiled as the PEE queen-mother when she was forced to open her skinsuit due to the overwhelming BO in the JRC that had infiltrated her built-in ventilation system. This mishap caused her to immediately flee the scene. This revelation caused students to speculate that the $3 billion endowment has been invested into building infrastructure to support PEE immigration into Grinnell rather than implementing campus-wide air conditioning, placing paper towels in the dorm bathrooms, or leveling out Mac Field.

Harris has yet to make a statement or appear publicly since the incident. However, in the event that she does, the B&S will be here to tell you all about it.