Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: September 2023

Back to School Update: Grinnellians Share Their Summer Jobs

By Ethan Hughes

The B&S is back from the summer, and we are ready to once again bring you all the top quality news you’ve come to expect. All our students, new and old, are converging on the Jewel of the Prairie, the Harvard of the Midwest, the best goddamn liberal arts school in the country (as we’re legally obligated to call it by the almighty Admissions Office). To start this year, we decided to reconvene some returning students and ask them how their summers went. We had hoped to send the B&S interns, but since no one remembered to feed them over the summer, they went full Donner Party. 

First, we cornered Josh Bealy ’26, an intended Computer Science major, on the tennis courts.

“What did you do this summer?” we asked.

“What? Oh, uh, I…I don’t know,” Bealy said, whimpering.

“Look us in the eyes,” we commanded. “You must have been up to something over the summer; you’re a Grinnellian!”

“Demonic” Stray Cat Terrorizes Students

By Liv Hage

This week, students were shocked and dismayed to learn that the stray cat running around campus was actually an eldritch entity summoned by Campus Safety. The innocent-looking creature was first spotted frolicking outside of South Campus. However, the animal’s cover was blown when a naïve first year, Greta Gorgonzola ’27, attempted to pick up the cat. 

“I was just trying to pet a damn cat,” Gorgonzola told the B&S. However, upon noticing the student’s approach, the cat grew to nearly 30 times its original size, sprouted horns, and emitted a bloodcurdling scream that reverberated across campus. “After that, it just sort of sprinted into Mears,” said Gorgonzola, referencing the Campus Safety headquarters. According to Gorgonzola, she attempted to seek counseling for the ordeal, but she was foolish enough to get attacked by the demon cat on Saturday when SHAW was closed.

Experimental Course ‘Babygirl Math’ Begins First Semester

By Catherine Terelak

Grinnell College’s year-long precalculus course, MAT-123: Functions & Differential Calc, is entering the test phase of a massive rebrand. Brought to us by the marketing geniuses behind LEGO Friends and the pink Power Ranger, Babygirl Math is an anti-boy approach to teaching material that has historically failed to enter the addled loam of the female brain. 

Aimed at empowering women in STEM, Babygirl Math phrases the building blocks of calculus in terms that even the silliest girl could understand. Guest Professor Lana Del Rey, who also teaches Theories and Methods of Babygirlism in the HSSC, is a master of her craft. She frames equations not as numbers, but as dollars to be inherited from much, much older boyfriends: 

“As we see here, your boyfriend’s wealth—let’s call him… Robert—must always be inversely proportional to the number of years he has left to live.”

Today’s Forecast: Cloudy With a Chance of D-Hall

By Henry Coen

“Hip Hip Hooray!” was Alabaster Shooketh ’27’s reaction when he woke up on Tuesday morning to see food falling from the sky on south campus. “I was so excited, I just ran past the caution tape and danced in it. It was so magical.” Alabaster told the B&S. “Vegan black bean burgers everywhere!”

Alabaster’s excitement is understandable. Being in his first semester, he only has 20 meal swipes—not nearly enough. “I grabbed a stolen d-hall tray and caught as many of the flying burgers as I could.” Alabaster reacted strongly when he bit into his bounty and discovered that the eco-conscious hamburger alternative tasted like an old roofing tile. “Such an improvement from the D-hall version!”

Alabaster immediately told his entire tutorial, Analyzing Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs from a Marxist lens, about his discovery. Jennet Hamstring, another first-year in this tutorial, wanted in on this free-falling food. She visited the construction site of the new Renfrow Hall building to look for this phenomenon.

Extremely Intelligent Mail Lockers Replace Professors

By Conrad Dahm

Students across Grinnell College were surprised to find Monday morning that machines had replaced some of their professors. In fact, the new machine teachers are modeled after the “intelligent mail lockers” from the mailroom. 

The new machines are “more scary,” in the words of a student, than the ones in the mailroom. Reports say that they have laser eyes capable of detecting cheating and Soviet-style posters with the words “Anne Harris is watching You.” In the spirit of journalism, the B&S decided to interview some students, administrators, and professors about their thoughts on the changes. 

In a telegram to the B&S, Grinnell’s head of faculty, who wished to remain anonymous, wrote that the new robotic professors will “allow Grinnell to expand class sizes and options.” They elaborated further, “We keep getting complaints that the one class, you know the one, you need for your major keeps filling up. So this will allow more people to graduate on time with the classes they need.” 

The B&S also reached out to President Anne Harris about the move, but she declined our interview request. “I thought SPARC got rid of you?” she responded by email. “Like, what losers even read the B&S anymore?” 

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