By Henry Coen

“Hip Hip Hooray!” was Alabaster Shooketh ’27’s reaction when he woke up on Tuesday morning to see food falling from the sky on south campus. “I was so excited, I just ran past the caution tape and danced in it. It was so magical.” Alabaster told the B&S. “Vegan black bean burgers everywhere!”

Alabaster’s excitement is understandable. Being in his first semester, he only has 20 meal swipes—not nearly enough. “I grabbed a stolen d-hall tray and caught as many of the flying burgers as I could.” Alabaster reacted strongly when he bit into his bounty and discovered that the eco-conscious hamburger alternative tasted like an old roofing tile. “Such an improvement from the D-hall version!”

Alabaster immediately told his entire tutorial, Analyzing Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs from a Marxist lens, about his discovery. Jennet Hamstring, another first-year in this tutorial, wanted in on this free-falling food. She visited the construction site of the new Renfrow Hall building to look for this phenomenon.

“There were no falling patties, but I found something better,” Jennet told our reporters. “A giant Iowa Ham Ball! It must have fallen from the sky and got stuck on the crane somehow. I said, “Hey, Mr. Crane Operator, let me get a bite of that Ham Ball.” Reportedly, the crane operator was confused at first, but eventually allowed Jennet to unhinge her jaw and sink her teeth into the gray concrete-like exterior of the Ham Ball.

Not to be outdone, first-year quadruplets, Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death ’27 took a field trip to High Street. In the unfinished basement of a rundown house built during the Spanish flu pandemic, surrounded by sweaty, dancing students, the quadruplets made a miraculous discovery. “Saltwater raining from the ceiling!” Pestilence told us excitedly. “It’s going to save us so much money on this year’s seder plate.”

Not everyone is so thrilled about these miracle events occurring at Grinnell. Environmentally-minded students are outraged by the grotesque food waste. Yesterday, Gustav Thunberg, the brother of a renowned activist, led a campaign to collect all the food littering the ground outside of South Campus. “We will be sending all our food waste to Africa!” he told the B&S proudly. When asked for comment, Africa replied with an email:

              “no thanks 

               -Sent from my iPhone.”

Grinnell rests on a knife’s edge, waiting to see tomorrow’s forecast. Will the school start charging dining dollars for this free falling food, or will the College be flattened by a three million-ton bag of Takis? Either way, the B&S will be here to tell you all about it.