By Conrad Dahm

Students across Grinnell College were surprised to find Monday morning that machines had replaced some of their professors. In fact, the new machine teachers are modeled after the “intelligent mail lockers” from the mailroom. 

The new machines are “more scary,” in the words of a student, than the ones in the mailroom. Reports say that they have laser eyes capable of detecting cheating and Soviet-style posters with the words “Anne Harris is watching You.” In the spirit of journalism, the B&S decided to interview some students, administrators, and professors about their thoughts on the changes. 

In a telegram to the B&S, Grinnell’s head of faculty, who wished to remain anonymous, wrote that the new robotic professors will “allow Grinnell to expand class sizes and options.” They elaborated further, “We keep getting complaints that the one class, you know the one, you need for your major keeps filling up. So this will allow more people to graduate on time with the classes they need.” 

The B&S also reached out to President Anne Harris about the move, but she declined our interview request. “I thought SPARC got rid of you?” she responded by email. “Like, what losers even read the B&S anymore?” 

 Some other faculty were in favor of the move. The B&S spoke with Professor Joe Rosenoyce, computer science department, about the move. 

“I think it’s great that Grinnell is at the forefront of new technology. I mean, AI is the future! If it takes your job, you should have thought of that before it happened.” Upon further questioning, Professor Rosenoyce said that “Chat-GPT could write an article 10x better than your rag of a newspaper,” and angrily left the interview. 

Not all students are happy with the decision, however. As Ella Jondo ‘25 said, “Tuition is $80,000 a year and I’m getting taught by a fucking package machine? It’s not even teaching either! I went to my 8 a.m. history lecture this morning and all the machine did was spit out packages! I managed to dodge 5 of them but some of my classmates weren’t so lucky.” Most wounded students was brought to SHAW, but due to “a proliferation of package-related injuries,” wait times have exceed four days.

Other students are more hopeful about the change. Pete Nolastname ‘24 said, “I haven’t even gone to class yet. I heard that classes are optional in your 4th year.” When asked about the package machine replacements, Nolastname replied, “I guess that’s cool. I mean, a package machine probably grades easier than my stats professor.” 

As of right now, roughly 40% of professors on campus have been replaced by package machines. The long-term results are unknown, but one anonymous human professor predicts that “This is the beginning of the end. In five years when the machines rise up, it will start at Grinnell. And it will be those package machines.” 

To confirm the professor’s statement, the B&S tried to consult our magical orb and got nothing. However, we watched The Terminator (1984) as a staff, so we think it’s true. 

Grinnell also sent a campus-wide email justifying the replacements, arguing that the College is “seek[ing] to foster campus-wide connections by replacing humans with automation.” However, the College never clarified what those connections might be or what it hopes to accomplish. 

The B&S is monitoring this situation closely and hopes that our jobs are not replaced by package machines, because then our totally real newspaper might become a satirical one.