By Ethan Hughes

The B&S is back from the summer, and we are ready to once again bring you all the top quality news you’ve come to expect. All our students, new and old, are converging on the Jewel of the Prairie, the Harvard of the Midwest, the best goddamn liberal arts school in the country (as we’re legally obligated to call it by the almighty Admissions Office). To start this year, we decided to reconvene some returning students and ask them how their summers went. We had hoped to send the B&S interns, but since no one remembered to feed them over the summer, they went full Donner Party. 

First, we cornered Josh Bealy ’26, an intended Computer Science major, on the tennis courts.

“What did you do this summer?” we asked.

“What? Oh, uh, I…I don’t know,” Bealy said, whimpering.

“Look us in the eyes,” we commanded. “You must have been up to something over the summer; you’re a Grinnellian!”

“Please let me go.”

“Not until you answer my questions!”

“I…I worked as a cashier,” he eventually answered.

A cashier? In this economy? Truly, the value of a Grinnell education knows no bounds. Per statsinfo.wordpress.com, Bealy most likely earned more than minimum wage (depending on the state). 

“Good! Now was that so hard? No! Now, where were you a cashier?”

“Walmart” 

“Wonderful, now .. hey wait. Stop you little weasel! You come back here this instant! I’m gonna flatten you like a pancake, you welch!”

Somehow, Josh managed to escape our pin and scurried up over the chain fence. Don’t worry—we are currently hunting him down and will bring you an update to this story once he has paid for this transgression.

Later, we caught up with Don Krieg ’25, lounging in a hammock. A third-year English and Political Science major, Krieg plans to attend law school after graduation. 

“What did you do this summer?” we asked.

“I got an unpaid internship at a law firm in Florida! It’s, like, really rare for undergraduates. It’s totally gonna look good on my applications to the real Harvard.” 

“What was your actual work like?”

“Oh I was just writing hypothetical legal briefs with insane, out-there scenarios that had no basis in real life, but were interesting thought experiments. Like: What if your client keeps admitting to their crimes on TV? Or what if their lawyers keep going to jail? The most insane one: what if your client stores classified documents in the bathroom? Like I said, real out-there stuff, but I guess lawyers need to be prepared for anything.”

“Do you think you’ll return next year?”

“I hope so, but I kinda doubt it. About two-thirds of the way through, our offices got swatted and I wasn’t allowed to return. All my emails have been left unanswered, so it doesn’t look great. I might have an in with the FBI, though: they’ve instructed me to not leave the country. They even summoned me for an interview this March.”

Unfortunately, Don Krieg became tangled in the hammocks and was too preoccupied to answer any more questions. 

We next talked with Donna Machaelli ’23, a Biology major, running laps around Mac field for Frisbee practice.  

“What… did you… do… this summer?” wheezed our intern running alongside Machaelli.

“Oh, I was working at a biomedical lab with Profesor Notevil studying viruses” 

“What did that look like?” 

“It was great! I was in the lab 24/7 and barely got to see the sun. We were creating samples of super viruses that combined some of the most prevalent diseases known to humanity, Covid, Flu, Hand Foot and Mouth, all the good ones.”  

“Were there any safety concerns?” 

“Absolutely not. Professor Notevil was always peering over our shoulders and saying to be careful since this could destroy the world. Safety concerns were the top priority of his—that and figuring out how to make it more transmissible.”

“Is there… sorry, is there any link… ACKK! oof.”

Unfortunately, the interview was cut short as our weak and pathetic intern collapsed from exhaustion mid-question. Rest assured, they have been severely punished for their ineffectiveness and have been donated to the Grinnell Biology department as a possible disease vector. 

Overall, it seems Grinnell has lived up to its reputation as a top tier educational institution, with all of its students finding top-tier fulfilling work over the summer. If you have invaluable skills (such as a Grinnell education) and can handle the constant abuse of the higher ups at the B&S, please apply to join our team as an intern. We are currently short staffed and would appreciate the help*. 

 

*Wages not included.