By Liv Hage

This week, students were shocked and dismayed to learn that the stray cat running around campus was actually an eldritch entity summoned by Campus Safety. The innocent-looking creature was first spotted frolicking outside of South Campus. However, the animal’s cover was blown when a naïve first year, Greta Gorgonzola ’27, attempted to pick up the cat. 

“I was just trying to pet a damn cat,” Gorgonzola told the B&S. However, upon noticing the student’s approach, the cat grew to nearly 30 times its original size, sprouted horns, and emitted a bloodcurdling scream that reverberated across campus. “After that, it just sort of sprinted into Mears,” said Gorgonzola, referencing the Campus Safety headquarters. According to Gorgonzola, she attempted to seek counseling for the ordeal, but she was foolish enough to get attacked by the demon cat on Saturday when SHAW was closed.

 To obtain some sort of closure for the affected students, we at the B&S decided to uncover the truth behind this unsettling episode. After interviewing students, we sent our paranormal investigation squad Thine Sillye Ghost Teame (est. 1657) to Mears Cottage, hoping to inquire about the last sighting of the “eldritch entity” that had infiltrated campus. To avoid suspicion, we sent our ghost expert Willame Butter ’24 to Mears undercover, donning the disguise of a defeated student worker frustrated with their Paycor paperwork. During the escapade, Butter noted a variety of suspicious sightings at the Campo headquarters. 

On entering the building, Butter noticed numerous scratch marks, structural damage, and rancid smells. Smells worse than dining hall waste but better than Loose Pit , commented Butter in his notes. These details were initially written off to be the result of a “severe owl problem,” but that later proved to be a complete farce. The smoking gun appeared when Butter entered one of the upstairs offices, only to be greeted by the cold dark stare of what he described as a “cat/bird/goat/hybrid with the face of Nancy Pelosi” who was feasting on leftovers from the Roller Grill. 

 After seeing the creature, Mr. Butter promptly fled the building, having scarcely enough time to grab a copy of Meanes to Summon thee Unnaturale and Elderitche from the floor of the security office. Yet, after Butter burst out of Mears and into the light, the manual immediately turned to ash. Realizing that multiple campus security officers were chasing after him on their mechanized broomsticks, he then retreated to the fourth floor of the Burling Library.

 Unfortunately, this sinister occurrence has taken a toll on our beloved journalist. He has not left the library since and only communicated through cryptic messages written on the bathroom walls. Without the concrete evidence of the devilish manual, the B&S investigative team hit a dead end. But, lack of evidence has never stopped the B&S from reaching a conclusion! The remnants of Thine Sillye Ghost Teame have plans to meet within the Burling archives to consult the ancient texts, with hopes of uncovering the blasphemous truth behind this incident. Until then, stay safe. Please do not pet any stray cats and take extra care to avoid the summoning circles that have popped up around East Campus. Yours truly, the B&S.