[Editor’s note: I don’t know what this means either]

By Henry Coen

Dear Binston Swongo 

There is no easy way to say this… I can’t stop pooping. This is my first year at Grinnell, and ever since I arrived, my bowel movement has been out of whack. I wonder if anyone else at Grinnell has experienced a similar problem. If so, any solutions? Please help. I am writing this from a toilet.

Salmonella Shitmaka ’27

 

Dear Salmonella,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Your bowels are just one more victim in the atrocity that is the Grinnell water.

FACT: Grinnell’s water has enough sodium-phy-shitenate in it to be medically considered a laxative. And that’s far from the only thing in the Grinnell water.

Ever heard of Lysergsäurediethylamid? No? That is German for Lysergic acid diethylamide. Still confused? WAKE UP. That stands for LSD. There is LSD in the water.

“But Binston Swongo,” you might be saying, “how did LSD get in the water?” First off, get my name out of your mouth. Second, because of factory farms. Duh.

FACT: Before they are slaughtered in Iowa, cows are led on an LSD trip by a film studies concentrator in a beanie, where they commune with their cheeseburger ancestors.

What are you not getting? There is sodium-phy-shitenate and LSD in the water. I wish that was all. No, there are also sharks in the water. Not just any sharks, mind you, but mutant killer sharks with diamond teeth and guns in their fins.

“But Binston Swongo, how did killer sharks with diamond teeth and guns in their fins get in the Grinnell water tower?” Have you ever heard of MAPs? Those stand for Military Awesome Pets. Grinnell students get paid to create super awesome pets for the military. Well, one girl made a super awesome shark—only she forgot sharks reproduce asexually. The next thing you know is that there are forty of those things in her tank. They hatch a plan to escape. Shoot their way out of the tank and slip into the water pipes. Next thing you know, they are in the water tower.

FACT: There are 40 mutant killer sharks with diamond teeth and guns in their fins in the Grinnell water tower right now. Go look.

“Ok, Binston Swongo, so there are some sodium-phy-shitenate in the water, and some LSD, and even some killer sharks, isn’t that every small town in Iowa,” you might be thinking. There is even more going on, however. You see, Grinnell’s water has been cursed by a coven of witches. They are not just any witches; these are grill witches.

FACT: The Coffee in The Grill came to life in 1988 and formed a witch’s coven with Cookie, Mozzarella Sticks, Creamer, and Florentine Panini. Together, they cast spells, serve looks, and talk about their crushes. Cookie has a crush on Creamer, but Creamer has a crush on coffee, which has a crush on Mozzarella sticks, which has a crush on Florentine Panini, who is long distance with Cookie’s sister, French President Emmanuel Macron.

FACT: Emmanuel Macron has a crush on you, but he’s too scared to say something.

The Grill Coven put a curse on the water supply so that anyone who drinks it will major in Sociology.

“What about the computer science majors?” They only drink Mountain Dew, so they are safe… for now.

FACT: A group of German tourists are riding in a flying airship heading towards Grinnell right this second. They are too busy raving to notice that they are currently on track to run into the top of the Grinnell water tower. If they were to do so, the water would evaporate and become part of the water cycle. This would not only create a sharknado of mutant killer sharks with diamond teeth and guns in their fins but also cause the laced cursed water to enter the water cycle. It would then rain down on the town, causing massive overflows in lines for public restrooms and making sociology theory even more difficult to get into. 

SOLUTION: If we all stack on top of each other, we can make a ladder to the height of the German rave flying ship. Then someone just has to throw a speaker on board that plays apartment music, the opposite of house music, causing out their rave trance and causing them to steer out of the way.

I call not it! I know this will help you out Salmonella!

 

I love you so much it makes my heart burn,

Binston Swongo