By Conrad Dahm

Recently, the S&B wrote a hit piece on our real news publication. The slander about the newspaper being satire was unreasonable. Everyone knows we are the real publication on campus. Besides, we have always shared the Pubs office equally with the S&B. 

To remedy this grave injustice, we decided to interview the S&B. Little did they know, however, that we would be asking the hard-hitting questions. We present The Cold Ugly Truth About The S&B:

B&S: So, why did you decide to get into journalism?

S&B: Well, you know, we applied as first years like everyone else. We became Staff Writers and thought it was really cool. 3 years later, we run the newspaper now. (Note: it’s really weird how they answered the questions collectively)

B&S: That’s interesting. On that topic, why do you hate the B&S? 

S&B: Uh, we don’t hate anyone—

B&S: Does the B&S scare you? Intimidate you? We know we can be scary. 

S&B: No, we love all SPARC publications equally. Why would we be scared by you—

Our reporter started growling at them

S&B: The fuck? We’re all adults here.

The B&S looked at the S&B and decided not to continue to growl. It was not in our best interest. 

B&S: Uh huh. So…how come you don’t have any Pulitzer prizes? We have ten. Look on that shelf. You can see them next to our Tony and Emmy. 

S&B: First, those are fake. Most you bought at Walmart, and the other you won for being the worst publication at Grinnell. Like, why are you so mad? Because SPARC cut your funding?

B&S: Hey! We thought that was private!

S&B: You think because you’re a satire writer, you can just be mean to people! Well, two can play that game. Wait until next week. Our B&S exposé will destroy you. We have a piece in every section, news, community, arts, you name it! Even our advice column has a story titled “I listen to the Binston Swongo from the B&S and now my life is in shambles.”

B&S: Well, at least we’re popular. I mean, no one even reads the S&B anymore. Everyone is always reading the B&S. Like talk to anyone, all they say is “I love the B&S.” 

S&B: Hey, we can put our newspapers in the Grill and you can’t. This interview is done. 

The S&B started to walk away, then turned back.

By the way, we took your P-card access to the Pubs office. See you in Fall 2027 when the College finally fixes that. We’ve also sent some of our boys to your printer. Wasn’t it nice to have printing access for a semester? Well, fuck you! Not anymore. Bye B&S.

B&S: I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.