[Editor’s note: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of the satirical newspaper they represent.

By Josh Payong

What lies at the edges of the universe? Did we invent math or did we discover it? Why does anything exist? Why is Rathje always so damn loud at midnight? There are myriad questions that even the foremost scholars admit we’ll never have the answer to. The most baffling among them lies behind three simple characters: “B&S”. What does it mean, if anything? Fuck if I know. But if anyone has an answer, it’s the well-educated student body of Grinnell College.

“Um, the first thing that comes to mind is ‘Breedable & Submissive’.” replies Pawar Bohtum ‘27, “Or maybe ‘Bondage & Submission,’ mayhaps? Breathplay & Sadism, perchance?” Bohtum continued along this train of thought for hours, reciting almost the entirety of the extended BDSM glossary. We recommend friends of Bohtum to aid him in finding an outlet for his sexual frustrations. Likely one that involves whips and wooden horses.

“Oh, isn’t that short for Badger & Snake: a Cedric Diggory x Draco Malfoy fanfiction? The one that’s #37 in terms of hits on the AO3 Harry Potter fandom rankings?” Yowrh Nayme ‘25 promptly responded, eyes fixated on her laptop screen on which they seemed to be cooking up a Tumblr post along the lines of “Which Digimon would have the most pleasurable penis?”.

“It truly is one of the best works of smut I’d ever read. It’s up there with ‘Scrooge McCock’ and ‘1984, but sexier’.” It was at this point in the interview where Nayme started drooling and touching themself. Our interviewer had to leave the premises immediately. From now on, no interviews shall be conducted with those that lurk on Burling 4th.

“Why should I even give a shit?” ponders Supo Ruto ‘26, “I don’t know. Ball & Sack? That’d be dope, I think.” The collegiate athlete then proceeded to mount his skateboard and do a grind on the stair rails outside the Noyce. He’s so cool. 

Suffering from a lack of perspective, we went into town to collect ideas from the locals. Standing smack-dab in the middle of 4th Avenue was a man proclaiming that we were in the end times—exactly the kind of person we were looking for. When asked for his opinion, he timidly, gently whispered: “BABEL & SODOM!!! That’s how you HEATHENS will end up if you keep KISSING those CUTE BOYS with LUSCIOUS LIPS and SLUTTY WAISTS! This generation has FAILED our young MEN!” We noticed some suspicious movement in his pants as he spoke on the fall of masculine men in the 21st century, and bid him farewell. Some say he still protests on 4th Ave. even with a raging boner. How devout.

After conducting this 89-hour long survey, our study remained inconclusive. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what the B&S stands for – the real B&S was the 2.5 friends we made and the 40-chapter smut novel we wrote along the way. (Please support DoubleDickDanny447 on AO3, Wattpad, fanfiction.net, Tumblr, DeviantArt, Quotev, Kindle Words, Fur Planet, and FurAffinity)

Honorable mentions

“Bonk & Slap”

“Bog & Swamp”

“Bacardi & Smirnoff”

“Blackmail & Solicitation”

“Bake & Sale”

“Boogie & Shimmy”

“Burp & Slurp”

“Bachelor of & Science”

“Better than the & S&B” (?)

“Balls & Scrotum” 

“Banter & Slander”

“Bagel & Schmear”

“Baby & Shark”

“Bruce & Springsteen”

“Bernie & Sanders”

“Barbra & Streisand”

“Bissing & Shidding”