By Catherine Terelak

8th AVENUE—In an effort to make New Englanders feel more at home, Marketplace Dining has established Grinnell College’s first-ever Sardine Station, which will replace the Jell-O and Fruit Station effective immediately after Winter Break. Like its predecessor, Sardine Station will be open every day with a rotating slate of food options, including pickled mackerel, canned oysters, salted cod, smoked herring, anchovies, and, of course, sardines. 

Sardine Station may seem like a big development in the world of Marketplace Dining, but it’s really only a small administrative concession to the demands of the Massachusetts Student Union, an organization open to people from Boston, Cape Cod, and the North and South Shore—because, according to MSU’s strict bylaws, “the rest of it doesn’t count.” Since 2015, MSU members (or “Massholes,” as they self-identify) have been lobbying for increased cultural representation on campus, especially in Marketplace Dining. 

Chief Masshole Catherine Terelak feels that Marketplace Dining is Midwest-centric and pescatarian-phobic. “Massholes need at least twelve ounces of raw or processed fish oil to maintain life support,” she told the B&S. “I think Grinnell College is sending a very clear message with Sardine Station: We want you here, but we don’t want you to thrive. Meanwhile, Midwesterners are provided with an abundance of ham balls, cheesy potatoes, and cottage cheese. Every Plat Du Jour is a botched multicultural casserole. What is this cruel double standard?” 

If the administration really cared about Massholes, Terelak says, they would build a full raw bar. This action would not only provide Massholes with the fish oils they vitally need, but it would also solve an issue of capital and labor endemic to the Masshole community. “Currently, there are no meaningful channels of employment for oyster shuckers and white wine unscrewers,” Terelak says. “The College should be utterly ashamed to let these talents go to waste.” 

While Massholes organize their raw bar proposal over a series of three martini lunches, the Minnesota Student Union is simply begging to have their Jell-O back. “Just put the sardines in the Jell-O salad,” their spokesman said. “That sounds like the type of crazy shit we’d do anyway.”