By Bohdin Bright

GOLF COURSE—While the existence of the golf course itself comes as a surprise to many recently-arrived Grinnell students, what lies hidden within the murky depths of the water hazard is even more shocking: a Marine C4/UAS Amphibious Combat Vehicle, complete with the attached reconnaissance squad. Its mission? To monitor Grinnell College at all times.

“You can’t be here,” said LCpl. Tarry, the commanding officer of the detachment, after the B&S trudged through the algae-filled pond for an interview. “The United States Marine Corps currently views it as an utmost priority to keep the area under observation. Details are classified, and I will not be answering further questions. Leave immediately.”

Despite LCpl. Tarry’s unwillingness to go into detail, we here at the B&S are savvy enough to infer the truth. The Marines are into you. Yes, you specifically. They didn’t just slide into your DMs: they stormed them like the beaches of Normandy. And while the initial attempt to set up a date via text failed, they’ve won’t ever stop pursuing their goals. To that end, they’ve decided to use more direct methods of getting your attention. 

While most dismissed it as little more than a slightly bigger waste of endowment funds than usual, the new posters being put up are a sign of the infatuation the Marines feel towards you: “Wars don’t fight themselves, Grinnellians do,” and “America doesn’t defend itself, Grinnellians do.” It’s hard to see these slogans as anything other than a heartfelt declaration of love (and possibly a slightly larger waste of endowment funds than usual).

But they won’t stop at just posters. Via our informants in the FBI, CIA, NSA, and the Secret Service, we’ve discovered that the Marines are working on a plan to instate forced conscription amongst the student body. This is supposedly due to the threat posed by the “mole people,” but it’s clear that they’re just making excuses to themselves because they’re nervous about rejection. After all, mole people aren’t real.

They’ve even fantasized about the eventual wedding. They plan to enact what they affectionately call “marital law” – misspelled as “martial law” – once they get approval from the President. It’s very charming how they still look to their parents for approval in their relationships, although it’s a little weird that they still have a curfew at their age. However, such old-fashioned values means that they probably won’t cheat on you, just stick in an unfulfilling relationship until one of you dies. After all, their motto is Semper Fi – Always Faithful.

Ultimately, the choice of where to take this is yours, but we here at the B&S say, go for it! True love only comes along every few years on average, and if you want to follow the college tradition of pursuing a relationship before you’re ready, you’ll need to get on this sooner rather than later. We wish you the best of luck.