By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz

DINING HALL, SALAD BAR—

Javier Rommel-Ruiz: Thank you for coming, Mr. Lettuce Slug. Your work as the arbiter of lettuce quality has improved many a salad.

Emit: Call me Emit. Do people call you Student or Student Worker? D-Hall Lettuce Slug is just my job title. I am more than just a role.

JRR: Clearly. I meant no offense, “Mr. Lettuce Slug” is all that was on your name tag…

E: And you just assumed it was my name!? How barbaric!

JRR: …sorry

E: No, no it’s fine. [He rubs his forehead with his eye stalks.] The job really takes it out of you. Judging and inspecting each piece of lettuce, spinach, and all the other greens that’s on the menu can take a lot out of you, especially when you take into account dodging the tongs and all the noise going on around you. Don’t even get me started on the micromanagement and [he shudders] the salt.

JRR: Sounds like a toxic work environment.

E: Salad quality assurance isn’t even the limit of my job duties, despite what my job title says. I do night custodial. My experience leaving a slime trail has made me an expert at maneuvering the floor scrubber.

JRR: What are your thoughts on the new floor scrubber? Last year they stopped letting student workers run them, so I’ll never get to drive Ol’ Bessy’s replacement.

E: That Greenhorn is inferior in every way, with lower capacity, and shorter battery life, you get the idea.

JRR: Back to the topic of salt… isn’t that a workplace hazard for you?

E: Yes, it is. It’s as painful as a bath in acid. But the lethality aspect would only help me get accommodations if I was mortal.

JRR: You’re not?

E: Yep. I’m actually an eldritch being beyond that which you can perceive. I am the master of time. I am all, I am one. I am the one who- [incomprehensible eldritch sounds]

JRR: In that case, what brings you to Grinnell?

E: Gooey Butter Cake.

[Awkward silence ensues for several minutes.]

JRR: Why grace us in the form of a slug?

E: Tax purposes.

JRR: Obviously. Now, I believe, would be a good time to start the second half of the interview. What made you want to become a journalist?

E: A love of gaslighting people and licking our capitalist overlords’ boots. I make people think they’ve fallen insane because, although Halloween was only last week, it’s now finals season. Making people think the oncoming climate catastrophe is their fault and not a select few individuals preventing anti-GHG laws from passing is one of my favorite pastimes.

JRR: Why not apply to work at Fox News, The New York Times, or The BBC?

E: I may be an all-powerful Lovecraftian abomination who controls the flow of time, evaluates lettuce for a living, and has no problems enabling Ecocide, but I have standards. I have too much self-respect to work with institutions that indulge or enable transphobia. 

JRR: Noted. [scribbles “passed psych eval” on notepad] Why write for us? Why not the Scarlet and Black?

E: You guys don’t publish as often so I wouldn’t have to quit my D-Hall job to meet deadlines.

JMRR: Gooey Butter Cake?

E: Gooey Butter Cake.

[they nod in mutual respect.]

JMRR: anything else the public or the B&S should know?

E: It was I who sabotaged the Meyer’s Ice Cream Machine. [slithers back into the lettuce pile, evaluating the freshness of every leaf of Grinnell Brand lettuce as he goes]