By Ethan Hughes

This is Elk Johnson reporting live from the frontlines! War has broken out on Mac Field as both Duels and Games (DAG) and Ultimate Frisbee engage in full on combat to decide control of the same half of the plain on Friday evenings from 4:30 to 5:30. 

Tensions have been on the rise for weeks as DAG made more and more threats, and both figuratively and literally rattled their swords at Frisbee. DAG claimed that Frisbee was encroaching on their section of Mac Field, eventually taking up almost two thirds of it when, as per the Clumpy Grass Contract of `83, DAG and Frisbee each have a claim to half the field. When asked for comment a DAG representative said, “Frisbee has invaded our lands and repressed our foam! We will not stand for their tyranny any longer, tell them they might take our lives but they will never take our sw–” Unfortunately they were knocked unconscious, taken prisoner, and their weapons confiscated in the middle of their anecdote. 

Frisbee claimed that it needed more of the field to practice, and that their participation numbers warranted a bigger allocation of the field. They complained that DAG fights kept spilling into their areas disrupting warm ups and practice matches. During the battle a Frisbee representative said, “I’ve had enough of your Holy Grail Jokes! Life of Brian was better!” shortly before trying to guard an archer, getting repeatedly shot in the process. 

Tensions finally came to a head as a Frisbee first year made the mistake of setting up a practice field far into DAG territory, limiting DAG to barely an eighth of the field. Infuriated by this infringement of their territory, many from DAG clamored for retaliation and for full on war with Frisbee. Leadership tried to calm the masses with words of peace, but the calls for violence were too much. The masses decided DAG would fight for its right to Mac Field by launching an initial invasion with a small force of their elites in phalanx formation organized with shields in the front, spears in the back, and support from archers for ranged battle. 

The surprise attack worked. The startled frisbee players were forced back from their practice field in a disorderly retreat as spears pierced their discs and arrows rained from above. As the advanced forces of DAG celebrated their seemingly easy victory, Frisbee’s forces rallied and promised to strike to defend their homeland. 

As DAG’s archers casually retrieved their arrows, Frisbee launched an all out assault using their superior numbers and numerous frisbees to frisbee the defenseless archers to death. DAG had no other choice but to send in their reserves, primarily composed of new cadets fresh out of First-Year Experience, to bolster their frontlines. 

A stalemate was reached at the -92.7215 longitude as DAG formed its signature Shield Wall and Frissbe outstretched its supply lines. SGA imposed sanctions on both Frisbee and DAG until a cease fire could be reached. They promised to cut funding and ban citizens of both groups from all campus events, but both sides were undeterred by the toothless sanctions. Nerf at Noyce has declared neutrality but assured that if even an inch of Noyce was touched they would invade the inflicting party. 

Several civilian casualties have also occurred, with at least one professor’s kid taking a frisbee to the face and a student’s dog getting hit by a stray arrow. Frisbee tried to dig trenches but found that frisbees were ineffective as shovels. Combat for Frisbee has also been hampered by strict no contact rules that have made close quarters combat complicated without getting fouls. While DAG’s more advanced weaponry and training would appear to give them an edge, Frisbee has found the key to immortality in its lack of DAG knowledge. Even after a Frisbee player is hit and slashed repeatedly, they just refuse to die or become Black Knighted. 

Truly no one wins in this war of foam and fris, despite the fact that there is a completely empty half of Mac directly next to the battlefield. Elk Johnson signing out.