By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz 

GRINNELL IOWA—Living in the dorms isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. In light of the Dorm Fire Contact High last November in South Campus, the loss of the West Campus construction site to the Cult of the Crane, and a seasonal trend in sink shitting in North Campus (particularly Norris), President Ann Harris has announced the expansion of the Project House Program, also known as PHP.  

As of the publication of this article, various new projects have already been established. Among them are new language houses for Esperanto, Klingon, Dothraki, Sindarin, and Quenya. The latter two are notable for their requirements for residents to dress as Wood Elves and High Elves respectively.  

The Grinnell Golf & Country Club has undergone the much-needed renovation and has become the site of Economics House. When asked for comment about how the renovation– which included a complete removal of the collapsed roof of the building– would affect living conditions Econ Major, Htims Mada, ’24, simply said “You don’t need a roof. It’s just a waste of resources.” Mada went on to advertise B&S reporters to “invest in KingtonCoin,” whatever that means.  

Much to the chagrin of the Grinnell College Golf team, the nearby golf course has become the site of the Walden and Anthropology Project House. Walden House, the brainchild of Walden Tutorial alumni and Unabomber stan Skinthia Flibitergibit 28’, consists of the area around the pond, a cabin they are currently building, and a washer and clothesline for their mom(s) to do their laundry. Flibitergibit hopes to host a “what to do when you’re being jailed for tax evasion” event this April, in anticipation of the house member’s needs. The rest of the golf course belongs to Anthropology house, the members of which have dedicated themselves to reconstructing a paleo-lifestyle. From the brief time B&S reporters spent on site, it seemed Walden and Anthro house have a rather tense relationship.  

A Religion House has been established in a disused former chapel owned by the College. In this hitherto unknown venue, Religious Studies Majors hope to start their own cults in a joint effort with the Psychology house (also known as Madhouse) and Sociology House. 

When pressed for the reasoning behind this joint venture, Religious Studies major Boris Hednesford ’24 declared, “In these trying and uncertain times, with the Great Coronavirus Kerfuffle of 2020, the imperialist expansion of Grinnell college into the town of Grinnell mirroring the Imperialism of the United States, and the Meat Dragon of Norton Fitzwarren ravaging the corn fields, we all need a source of stability and reason in our lives. Grinnellianism aims to provide that, and lead students to the glorious paradise that awaits them after graduation.” 

Finally, it is worth noting the unique architecture of Art History Major House, which is a tiny house for three students, and Biology house, which is a model of a cell, semi-permeable membrane and all.  

Future Project houses awaiting approval from the Dean of the Dean of Students and seeking applicants are: Substance House, Frat House, Coffee house, Robot house, A UGSDW Commune, The Platonic Idea of a house, BDSM house, Gingerbread house, a House of Cards, Windsor House, White House and Occupy the President’s house.