By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz

John Chrystal Center—John-Calvin Winthrop, High Deacon of the Registrar and Admissions, announced today that a clerical error has erased almost all enrollment records. The error is speculated to be the result of integer overflow caused by record enrollment. Nevertheless, all non-graduating students will need to reapply for admission; as such, next semester is expected to show critical under-enrollment.

Abandoned to their fate by the cruel gods, also known as the Administration, faculty have found themselves needing to combine departments or else risk job cuts. Aware that some departments had more of an advantage of being more easily compatible than others *chough* Anthropology *chough*, faculty unanimously agreed to decide the new departments by drawing them from a hat. The results of draw include:

  • GWSSonomics offers NeoFeminism 101: How To be a Gaslighting, Gatekeeping Girlboss, The Adult Entertainment Industry (cross listed with Film and Media studies) and Leveraging the Gender Wage Gap.
  • Computer Classics, which offers Late 20th century Edutainment, CompClass 399: Ada Lovelace, Sappro of CompSci?, and Mycenaean Greek & Assembly for Dummies.
  •  Socsics offers Environmental Sociology and Laws of Thermodynamics¸ Communist Quantum Mechanics, and Applied Engineering: Building Real and Metaphorical Bridges.
  • Mathroplogy, offering Yucatec Mayan Algebra 𝋡 (hun) and 𝋢 (ka’a), Intro. Mathropology: Number Families, and Topology & Archaeology.  
  • Chemter offers Chemical Vibrations, the Atomic Elementals of Drama, and Chemical Trips & Interpretive Dance.
  • Spanglish offers Don Quixote’s Critique of Romanticism, The Spanish tradition of Critical analysis, and NeoGrammer: How to Blend English and Spanish and Not Sound Racist.
  • Bio-cation offers the Pedagogy of School Fish, Teaching & Tutoring Dolphins, and Reading & Writing Genetics.
  • Artsophy offers Aesthetics 101 (previously known as Introduction to the studio), Architectural Ethics, and The Phenomenological Ontology of Art.
  • Politiology offers Neoliberal Psychology, Manipulating the Masses, and Applied Policy Studies: Manifesting Misery.
  • Histoigious Studies offers Cristian Nationalism (previously known as SOC 395), Biblical Literalism, and Islamic Innovation Erasure.

Most other combinations have been far less exciting, and far more complex. On the one hand, the French and Arabic Department is now requiring a course on French Colonialism in the Arab world, and on the other hand, other foreign language departments are fusing with each other and using this as an opportunity to expand the number of languages and cultural studies offered. Each of these will then fall under the Linguistics Department. 

When asked for comment, Her Royal Majesty President Ann Harris said, “I am overjoyed to see our faculty rise to the occasion, and use these uncertain times to truly innovate and reimagine what it means to be a liberal arts student.” We were lucky to catch her before she hurriedly left to meet with the Trustee’s on Their Super Ultra Mega Deluxe XXXL Hili-Uber-Yacht.