By Clare Newman

Spring Semester has begun, and with its dawning comes thoughts of graduation, and all that graduation entails. Students in their last semester wonder if their brother will stop complaining about “going to the middle of nowhere” and book his flight to Iowa. First-years wonder if that hot upperclassman they always see in the HSSC is graduating or is actually just another first-year. Facilities Management workers pray that whoever keeps pooping in sinks graduates or dies. And most importantly, everyone is wondering who the commencement speaker will be. The most popular guess is, of course, Kumail Nanjiani ‘01. But that’s not happening, we all know it’s not happening, so let’s stop kidding ourselves and just move on already. An intriguing anonymous tip submitted to the B&S tip line suggested that none other than Luke From Your Dad’s Work will be the commencement speaker. Known from such works as “His Face On Zoom When Going Into Your Dad’s Home Office,” “Slack Message On Dad’s Phone,” and “Guy in Background Of A Picture Your Mom Sent You Of The Little Sandwiches at Dad’s Work Holiday Party,” Luke From Your Dad’s Work would certainly be a thrilling choice for a commencement speaker. 

History major Paul Skin ‘23 claims to have submitted himself for commencement speaker consideration, and is apparently in the midst of “a rigorous interview process and obstacle course.” If selected, Skin says his speech will be mostly about the weather, with overarching themes of existentialism and whimsy. Skin also mentioned seeing around the interview office none other than the B&S’s favorite son: President Emeritus of Grinnell College Raynard “RayK” Kington (of Kington Plaza fame). Skin was unable to provide concrete evidence of this but graduates are already up in a flutter at the prospect of seeing him once again. 

However, all the excitement and rumors may all be for naught, as just yesterday intrepid B&S reporter Augustus Ginger-Flynn intercepted a memo from President Anne Harris that implied she would be happy to take on the job, or eliminate the commencement speaker position entirely in order to devote more of the school’s resources to whatever big meetings are always happening in the ARH multipurpose room. The B&S will, as always, continue to investigate and report on any commencement speaker rumors, whether they are substantial or not.