By Dale Bell

GRINNELL, IA—Early yesterday, Grinnell Administration announced that they will be introducing several new mad-STEM major departments. Many have lauded this move as a reinvigoration of Grinnell’s sciences, and a recommitment to the pursuit of mad scientific knowledge.

“I think, honestly, that this decision was long overdue,” says Dr. Cregor Straum, a newly hired Professor of mad-Biology. “Mad-STEM instruction in U.S. higher education is generally lacking, so Grinnell’s decision is surely a step in the right direction. All across the U.S. most students have never taken an intro-level bioweapons class, created genetically modified chimeric beasts with a taste for human blood, or even reanimated a corpse.”

According to Administration officials, new majors and departments will include mad-Biology, mad-Chemistry, mad-Physics, Computer Science, mad-Environmental Science, and mad-Psychology. All of the mad-STEM majors will have entirely new curricula, with the exception of mad-Psychology, the curriculum of which will consist of a regular Psychology course from the 1930s. Mad-STEM courses, starting immediately, will be held in the Underrealm’s parallel-Noyce, accessible through the several Nerf-made holes in the walls.

The new courses seem to have been a hit with many students, with 2nd year Flannery Crane saying, “I never really connected with the science classes at Grinnell before. But mad-Chem is amazing. For our first test, Dr. Sade just let us loose in the lab with the instructions ‘synthesize a mind-altering drug.’ It was so fun, we even got to test out our drugs on a bunch of English majors by pumping it into a seminar through the air vents. Unfortunately, it didn’t result in any visible change in the class discussion.”

However, some students have had more negative experiences with the new mad-STEM majors. Fendrick Kraus, a first-year, told the B&S that, “I’m really interested in mad-Environmental Science, but I haven’t been able to go to classes in parallel-Noyce because whenever I enter the Underrealm a shadowy doppelganger emerges to take my place and sabotage my life, probably with the ultimate aim of driving me insane so that it can totally replace me. Also, Noyce is kind of confusing.”

Still more have criticized the Administration’s implementation of the new programs, with critics highlighting the choice to focus on purchasing new mad-STEM equipment and clearing parallel-Noyce of the ghouls, without including any funding to programs focused on outreach to help get more gender minorities engaged in mad-STEM, or any funding to similar programs in the mad-Humanities. 

For a final word on this issue, the B&S spoke to Dr. Hieronymus Crabb, a visiting lecturer who specializes in mad-Education, about the future of the mad-Sciences and mad-Humanities. However, before the interview could begin, Fendrick Kraus burst in, knocked Dr. Crabb unconscious, set fire to the office, and then took off.