By Conrad Dahm

HSSC– Due to a lack of rooms on campus, Grinnell College is instituting a new policy to help remedy the problem. Yesterday, the College unveiled a “state of the art” magnet curfew system on campus.   

“The system itself is simple. All students will be provided with magnetized Grinnell-branded attire. At midnight, magnets installed on the ceilings of academic and residential buildings will turn on, and students will be stuck to the ceiling until 7 AM the next morning. This will help not only with the room problem but will also help students get more sleep,” said Joe Rosenfield Noyce, the President of the Grinnell College Magnet Committee. 

“I actually kind of like the idea. You know, under the old system my single was turned into a quad, and there was barely room to step between the desks and bunks. Moving our beds to the ceiling opens up a lot more space, and it might actually be fun,” said one student. 

However, opinions about the magnetization program are far from unanimous. While in the HSSC this morning, a B&S reporter found the following letter written by a student and have, in the interest of journalistic integrity and because it’s less work than writing our own stuff, decided to publish it: 

“As I write this letter, it is currently 6:55AM. Last night, I was studying late in the HSSC at 12AM. I was about to leave, but it was too late, the magnets turned on and I was pulled to the Atrium ceiling, three floors up. I know I should have gone to bed, but I had an essay due! I’ve tried to yell for help, I’ve yelled for hours, but no one heard me. I guess they’d all gone to bed…

Initially I tried to stay positive. Someone would find me! I would be ok. But as time went on, I realized no one was coming. I decided to write this letter as a sort of goodbye. When the magnets turn off in five minutes, I, still stuck to the Atrium ceiling, will fall to my doom, just like the witch predicted so many summers ago. How I laughed at her at the time. The clock ticks.” 

After finding this letter, the B&S dedicated our excellent journalistic skills and our crystal ball to finding the author, preferably to see if he had any cool stuff in his backpack. However, it seems that the student made it out, telling us after we found him that “at 6:57 I realized that I could squirm, wriggle, and shimmy my way across the Atrium ceiling to be above the third floor walkway, so that, when the magnets turned off, I only fell like 15 feet. The letter must have fallen out of my pocket. Anyways, would you all do me a favor and not publish anything about this? The whole situation is kinda embarrassing.”

The B&S has tried to reach out to the College for comment on the new magnet policy but we forgot our email password and a hawk keeps eating our carrier pigeons.