Author: B&S Staff Page 2 of 3

By Anne Harris (Edited by Conrad Dahm)

Yeah, that’s right. I’m back. Since no one returned my damn nutcracker, I decided to pull a practical joke on YOU! That’s right, I’m raising tuition by $4,000, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, you should thank me for raising tuition. Do you know why? Because I am the greatest President to ever walk the grounds of Grinnell College and deserve your money. I’m really nice and could raise it by more but I’m not. This shows my generosity to you ungrateful fucks. Since I can’t get any work done due to all your complaints, I’m going to write a brief article about why you should thank me for making you pay more.

First off, this will benefit the administration immensely. With this new money, I am going to finally upgrade the administrative offices in Nollen House and elsewhere. For example, we currently only have two spas there! Can you believe it? It’s frankly unacceptable that we must live in these conditions. For the administration to administrate, we need to have high-quality conditions. Also, I think I deserve a raise. I’m just going to say it. Why do I need one? None of your damn business.

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By Catherine Terelak

Grinnella GoForth is a brooding intellectual from the wealthy suburbs of a major American city who has come all the way to Central Iowa to gain a top-notch liberal arts education. You’ll find her sitting in Saints Rest for hours without buying anything, taking long walks in the cornfields with one of her many polyamorous lovers, and reading theory on the third and fourth floors of Burling, where it’s private. 

Whether it’s Hawkeye or Natty Lite, Grinnella loves drinking. But can she find a way to kick it on High Street without jeopardizing her academic future as a sociology-theater double major with a concentration in film studies? It’s going to take some help from her three academic advisors and her friends at SHAW for Grinella to raise her GPA above   2.1 and save her spot on the synchronized swimming team. After all, the stars don’t touch themselves—Grinnella does. 

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By Carter Ottele

Following Grinnell College’s claim that it “can’t afford” free speech, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) released a statement on Thursday criticizing the College and calling for the immediate revocation of the College’s new policies, calling them a “really stupid misunderstanding.”

Two weeks prior, Grinnell had published a set of reforms designed to limit speech on campus. Citing the high rate of inflation, the rules included:

• A 1,000 word per day limit for each student
  • A $1 fine for every word in excess of the limit
• A 4,000 word per day limit for each professor
  • A $1 fine for every word in excess of the limit
• A quota for different strains of political speech. All spoken or written materials must be at least 20% liberal, 20% conservative, 10% socialist, and 10% anarchist
  • A $50 fine for any material failing to meet these requirements
• A strict prohibition on the word “hate” (except when used in quotes to inform about the rule)
• The designation of five “speech-free” zones around campus
• A $2,500 tuition hike designated as a “press fee” to continue letting newspapers operate
• A limit of one “fuck” per manuscript

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By Clare Newman

Spring Semester has begun, and with its dawning comes thoughts of graduation, and all that graduation entails. Students in their last semester wonder if their brother will stop complaining about “going to the middle of nowhere” and book his flight to Iowa. First-years wonder if that hot upperclassman they always see in the HSSC is graduating or is actually just another first-year. Facilities Management workers pray that whoever keeps pooping in sinks graduates or dies. And most importantly, everyone is wondering who the commencement speaker will be. The most popular guess is, of course, Kumail Nanjiani ‘01. But that’s not happening, we all know it’s not happening, so let’s stop kidding ourselves and just move on already. An intriguing anonymous tip submitted to the B&S tip line suggested that none other than Luke From Your Dad’s Work will be the commencement speaker. Known from such works as “His Face On Zoom When Going Into Your Dad’s Home Office,” “Slack Message On Dad’s Phone,” and “Guy in Background Of A Picture Your Mom Sent You Of The Little Sandwiches at Dad’s Work Holiday Party,” Luke From Your Dad’s Work would certainly be a thrilling choice for a commencement speaker. 

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By Ethan Hughes

Last Saturday, the United Nations took the drastic step of declaring Grinnell a failed state. After last semester’s failure to form a Student Senate the Student Government Association (SGA) has gained unchecked executive power. They can do anything they want. It’s too much power in the hands of too few, and, in the immortal words of B&S founder Selden Whitcomb “absolute power corrupts absolutely.” The founding fathers of Grinnell, Dr. Gregory HSSC, Paul Skin, and the Noyce guy would have been appalled if they were here to see this dereliction of duty. Self-Gov is as dead as they are, probably, we honestly don’t know. The B&S is not allowed to speak for the probably deceased, at least not since we lost the ouija board, but we are sure they are rolling in their graves, or ashes, or beds if they are in fact not dead. 

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By Isabella Nesbeth

GRINNELL DINING HALL—Last Saturday, students were absolutely flabbergasted when they walked in the Dining Hall and noticed that a good portion of seating was roped off. In an attempt to minimize the amount of cleaning that would have to be done, Grinnell Administration has forced all students to sit in the main dining hall. Considering that only a fraction of students stayed on campus for Thanksgiving break, this should not have been a problem. But Dining Services crucially overestimated the extent to which Grinnell students can function socially.

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By Conrad Dahm 

Grinnell College, a liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere, is home to one of the country’s most reliable and accurate newspapers: the B&S. This newspaper is a bastion of integrity that only reports on the most pressing stories of our day. It is also home to one of the worst and downright evil satire newspapers: the S&B (Scarlet and Black). Yet most Grinnell students do not know about the absolutely 100% true rivalry that exists between these two publications. In the pursuit of truth the B&S has decided to write an in-depth analysis of this rivalry to help educate the world on this very real and true rivalry. 

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