Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

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Anne Harris Guest Column: Why You Should Thank Me For Making You Pay More

By Anne Harris (Edited by Conrad Dahm)

Yeah, that’s right. I’m back. Since no one returned my damn nutcracker, I decided to pull a practical joke on YOU! That’s right, I’m raising tuition by $4,000, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, you should thank me for raising tuition. Do you know why? Because I am the greatest President to ever walk the grounds of Grinnell College and deserve your money. I’m really nice and could raise it by more but I’m not. This shows my generosity to you ungrateful fucks. Since I can’t get any work done due to all your complaints, I’m going to write a brief article about why you should thank me for making you pay more.

First off, this will benefit the administration immensely. With this new money, I am going to finally upgrade the administrative offices in Nollen House and elsewhere. For example, we currently only have two spas there! Can you believe it? It’s frankly unacceptable that we must live in these conditions. For the administration to administrate, we need to have high-quality conditions. Also, I think I deserve a raise. I’m just going to say it. Why do I need one? None of your damn business.

Meet Grinnella GoForth, the American Girl Doll of the Year 2023!

By Catherine Terelak

Grinnella GoForth is a brooding intellectual from the wealthy suburbs of a major American city who has come all the way to Central Iowa to gain a top-notch liberal arts education. You’ll find her sitting in Saints Rest for hours without buying anything, taking long walks in the cornfields with one of her many polyamorous lovers, and reading theory on the third and fourth floors of Burling, where it’s private. 

Whether it’s Hawkeye or Natty Lite, Grinnella loves drinking. But can she find a way to kick it on High Street without jeopardizing her academic future as a sociology-theater double major with a concentration in film studies? It’s going to take some help from her three academic advisors and her friends at SHAW for Grinella to raise her GPA above   2.1 and save her spot on the synchronized swimming team. After all, the stars don’t touch themselves—Grinnella does. 

Dear B&S: Can I Hook Up With My Prospie’s Mom?

By Binston Swongo (Edited by Anna Lipari)

Dear Binston Swongo

First of all, I’ve never had any romantic or sexual aspirations towards any of the prospective students I’ve hosted over my three years here. They’re nervous kids, no matter how cool they try to act, and the power dynamic between a prospie and their host makes it totally inappropriate to hook up. It’s never the prospies. It’s their parents.

I met Cheryl yesterday when she and her son came for an admitted students campus tour. She’s tall and gorgeous, with chunky blonde highlights in her hair and a purposeful stride. Her bold confidence drew me to her immediately; though her son hung back, she pinned me to the snow-swept sidewalk with her icy blue eyes and introduced herself with a firm handshake before launching into a barrage of detailed questions. “Do you know how my son can get credit for both AP and IB classes?” she asked, and butterflies rose in my stomach as I stammered out that I wasn’t sure. 

I think she returns my attraction. “You’re a bright young man,” she told me at the conclusion of the tour, after interrogating me about my major, my roommate, my work history, my GPA, and my opinion on the food in the dining hall. Each question laid bare another segment of my soul, but I didn’t mind. I wanted nothing more than to be utterly exposed before her, to throw myself at her feet (clad in sensible new-balance sneakers) and beg for her praise. “I think my son could really learn a lot from you,” Cheryl told me, and every part of my body swelled with joy.

ACLU Weighs In After Grinnell Says It “Can’t Afford” Free Speech

By Carter Ottele

Following Grinnell College’s claim that it “can’t afford” free speech, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) released a statement on Thursday criticizing the College and calling for the immediate revocation of the College’s new policies, calling them a “really stupid misunderstanding.”

Two weeks prior, Grinnell had published a set of reforms designed to limit speech on campus. Citing the high rate of inflation, the rules included:

  • A 1,000 word per day limit for each student
    • A $1 fine for every word in excess of the limit
  • A 4,000 word per day limit for each professor
    • A $1 fine for every word in excess of the limit
  • A quota for different strains of political speech. All spoken or written materials must be at least 20% liberal, 20% conservative, 10% socialist, and 10% anarchist
    • A $50 fine for any material failing to meet these requirements
  • A strict prohibition on the word “hate” (except when used in quotes to inform about the rule)
  • The designation of five “speech-free” zones around campus
  • A $2,500 tuition hike designated as a “press fee” to continue letting newspapers operate
  • A limit of one “fuck” per manuscript

Commencement Speaker Rumor Mill Churning

By Clare Newman

Spring Semester has begun, and with its dawning comes thoughts of graduation, and all that graduation entails. Students in their last semester wonder if their brother will stop complaining about “going to the middle of nowhere” and book his flight to Iowa. First-years wonder if that hot upperclassman they always see in the HSSC is graduating or is actually just another first-year. Facilities Management workers pray that whoever keeps pooping in sinks graduates or dies. And most importantly, everyone is wondering who the commencement speaker will be. The most popular guess is, of course, Kumail Nanjiani ‘01. But that’s not happening, we all know it’s not happening, so let’s stop kidding ourselves and just move on already. An intriguing anonymous tip submitted to the B&S tip line suggested that none other than Luke From Your Dad’s Work will be the commencement speaker. Known from such works as “His Face On Zoom When Going Into Your Dad’s Home Office,” “Slack Message On Dad’s Phone,” and “Guy in Background Of A Picture Your Mom Sent You Of The Little Sandwiches at Dad’s Work Holiday Party,” Luke From Your Dad’s Work would certainly be a thrilling choice for a commencement speaker. 

Grinnell Declared Failed State

By Ethan Hughes

Last Saturday, the United Nations took the drastic step of declaring Grinnell a failed state. After last semester’s failure to form a Student Senate the Student Government Association (SGA) has gained unchecked executive power. They can do anything they want. It’s too much power in the hands of too few, and, in the immortal words of B&S founder Selden Whitcomb “absolute power corrupts absolutely.” The founding fathers of Grinnell, Dr. Gregory HSSC, Paul Skin, and the Noyce guy would have been appalled if they were here to see this dereliction of duty. Self-Gov is as dead as they are, probably, we honestly don’t know. The B&S is not allowed to speak for the probably deceased, at least not since we lost the ouija board, but we are sure they are rolling in their graves, or ashes, or beds if they are in fact not dead. 

Roping Off Of Sections Disrupts Fragile DHall Ecosystem

By Isabella Nesbeth

GRINNELL DINING HALL—Last Saturday, students were absolutely flabbergasted when they walked in the Dining Hall and noticed that a good portion of seating was roped off. In an attempt to minimize the amount of cleaning that would have to be done, Grinnell Administration has forced all students to sit in the main dining hall. Considering that only a fraction of students stayed on campus for Thanksgiving break, this should not have been a problem. But Dining Services crucially overestimated the extent to which Grinnell students can function socially.

A History Of The Very Real And True Rivalry Between The B&S And S&B

By Conrad Dahm 

Grinnell College, a liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere, is home to one of the country’s most reliable and accurate newspapers: the B&S. This newspaper is a bastion of integrity that only reports on the most pressing stories of our day. It is also home to one of the worst and downright evil satire newspapers: the S&B (Scarlet and Black). Yet most Grinnell students do not know about the absolutely 100% true rivalry that exists between these two publications. In the pursuit of truth the B&S has decided to write an in-depth analysis of this rivalry to help educate the world on this very real and true rivalry. 

Dear B&S: My Roommates Refuse To Complain About My Sex Life

By David Gales

Dear Binston Swongo, 

 I have a lovely partner here at Grinnell, and the two of us have a great sex life. We met at the Hardee’s our first year, before it closed down. I can still remember when our eyes first met and I saw their pupils dilate as they ordered a signature Hand-Breaded Chicken Sandwich. From that very moment, I knew that I had to have them. They railed me two hours later.

Since then, I’ve gotten a house off-campus with a few friends, and my bedroom has proven to be much more comfortable than the HSSC classrooms we normally use. But, I’ve run into a bit of a problem–my roommates play really loud music a lot of the time, and I’m starting to worry that they can’t hear me having sex. 

Come to [17]90’s Harris!

by Bella Nesbeth

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