By Ethan Hughes

Last Saturday, the United Nations took the drastic step of declaring Grinnell a failed state. After last semester’s failure to form a Student Senate the Student Government Association (SGA) has gained unchecked executive power. They can do anything they want. It’s too much power in the hands of too few, and, in the immortal words of B&S founder Selden Whitcomb “absolute power corrupts absolutely.” The founding fathers of Grinnell, Dr. Gregory HSSC, Paul Skin, and the Noyce guy would have been appalled if they were here to see this dereliction of duty. Self-Gov is as dead as they are, probably, we honestly don’t know. The B&S is not allowed to speak for the probably deceased, at least not since we lost the ouija board, but we are sure they are rolling in their graves, or ashes, or beds if they are in fact not dead. 

The UN’s damming insinuation is a call to arms for all Grinnell students to demand better representation and better wages. Maybe this is a job for the Union. Actually is the SGA part of the Union? Is this a conflict of interest? Wait, is the B&S part of the union? Is the B&S compromised? Maybe this isn’t a job for the Union. To find out more, the greatest Grinnellian newspaper, the B&S, has sent a brave correspondent to Brussels to get the news straight from the source. Unfortunately the SGA has denied the B&S travel funds so our correspondent has had to walk and has only made it to Illinois. At the B&S, the news doesn’t wait for facts, so here is what we think they said about Grinnell. 

The UN statement possibly read something like this, “We are like, so sad to say that Grinnell can no longer be considered a democracy and has totally lost sight of its future man. We condemn the radical abuse of power and tubular incompetence that has prevented the formation of a groovy Grinnellian senate.” 

We will confirm the validity of this statement as soon as our representative gets across the Atlantic. But we definitely got it right.

The B&S also asked the Administration for a statement. When approached at their underground volcano base hidden below the HSSC they said “go away!” but after the trap door got clogged with too many B&S reporters they were forced to answer our questions. Their official statement is as follows: “This move was made to reduce costs and attain a more centered power allowing them to more effectively curtail the needs of the average Grinnellian. Any further questions should be directed to the SGA.” At that point the flamethrowers started working again and the reporters retreated. Don’t worry, they have been fired for cowardice. The B&S will always hold powers to account regardless of the risks or costs. That said, the Administration has a point and it is certainly solely the SGA’s fault.

The tyrannical SGA has not taken this lying down and is claiming that the Administration is in charge of setting up Senate elections, and that they have nothing to do with the failure to elect a Senate. What are we supposed to believe? That they’re some powerless puppet being used as a scapegoat to hide the incompetence and bad faith actions of the College? We know where the blame lies. This is Grinnell where we ask hard questions and don’t accept easy answers, regardless of their accuracy. The B&S calls for a riot outside the SGA office to violently force a peaceful transfer of power. It won’t be like January 6th because it is February. Think more French Revolution or anti-Tsar movement. The B&S will continue to fight tyranny wherever it might rear its ugly head. We won’t let democracy die in darkness, not while we still have our torches and pitchforks.