By Anne Harris (Edited by Conrad Dahm)

Yeah, that’s right. I’m back. Since no one returned my damn nutcracker, I decided to pull a practical joke on YOU! That’s right, I’m raising tuition by $4,000, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, you should thank me for raising tuition. Do you know why? Because I am the greatest President to ever walk the grounds of Grinnell College and deserve your money. I’m really nice and could raise it by more but I’m not. This shows my generosity to you ungrateful fucks. Since I can’t get any work done due to all your complaints, I’m going to write a brief article about why you should thank me for making you pay more.

First off, this will benefit the administration immensely. With this new money, I am going to finally upgrade the administrative offices in Nollen House and elsewhere. For example, we currently only have two spas there! Can you believe it? It’s frankly unacceptable that we must live in these conditions. For the administration to administrate, we need to have high-quality conditions. Also, I think I deserve a raise. I’m just going to say it. Why do I need one? None of your damn business.

I also will be investing in a state-of-the-art security system for the Dining Hall to prevent future theft of college property. No more nutcrackers, plates, cups, or any of my other shit will be stolen while I’m here. This system is designed by companies so secret that I can’t mention them, but let’s just say they know what they’re doing. All of this will be done with your money! None of this would have happened if you listened to me and returned the nutcrackers, but you all had to be funny. Well, now who’s laughing, fuckers? That’s right, me. You should be thanking me for cracking down on D-Hall theft. [The B&S also must add that in response to President Harris’s previous editorial, she recanted after her legal counsel informed her that her response violated the Geneva Convention.]

You should thank me because I am going to make these improvements to our college that will definitely benefit students and not just me. And you may be saying “Hey, that’s ridiculous, renovating your own office at our expense is a totally unethical and irresponsible move and you’d never do that in real life.” Well, maybe I’d be inclined to agree with you and lower the tuition increase, under a few conditions:

1. My fucking nutcracker is given back to me.
2. Every student writes a ten-page essay on why I am the greatest President ever.
3. Stop making squirrel jokes.