By Conrad Dahm 

Grinnell College, a liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere, is home to one of the country’s most reliable and accurate newspapers: the B&S. This newspaper is a bastion of integrity that only reports on the most pressing stories of our day. It is also home to one of the worst and downright evil satire newspapers: the S&B (Scarlet and Black). Yet most Grinnell students do not know about the absolutely 100% true rivalry that exists between these two publications. In the pursuit of truth the B&S has decided to write an in-depth analysis of this rivalry to help educate the world on this very real and true rivalry. 

Its origins date back to October 32nd, 2010 (this was an odd year because for some reason there was a day after Halloween). The entirety of the campus was hung over from eating too much candy, and definitely not because of shots of Ever Clear. After waking up, both the B&S and the S&B staff walked to the Publications (Pubs) Office for their weekly meetings. When both groups arrived and saw the other one there, things got nasty. This was a minor scheduling error, but the Editors of both papers decided to settle the conflict by having an all-out brawl. There are still some bystanders who remember that day, the day the second floor of the JRC became a warzone.

In the following years, tensions continued to rise. After the initial fight, both sides (but mostly the S&B) engaged in a series of escalating actions. Another notable incident occurred in 2014, during finals week. The staff of the S&B wanted to use the Pubs office to study but the staff of the B&S decided to take it over after realizing all of Burling 4th was taken. When the B&S arrived the S&B had barricaded the doors and did not allow the B&S to enter. This resulted in the B&S using some random prospie as a battering ram, and well, let’s just say SPARC almost cut funding for the B&S (and for that prospie to not attend Grinnell).  

After this incident, a tense ceasefire was reached and held for the next several years. It was shattered in 2019 when the rivalry spread from the Pubs office to the Dining Hall. The B&S was having a staff dinner upstairs until a clump of potatoes, launched from downstairs, splattered a B&S staff member with DHall’s water (but also somehow flaky) mashed potatoes. When the B&S looked over the railing, they saw a laughing S&B Staff Writer. After this, it was complete anarchy. Innocent bystanders had to run and hide as both sides engaged in a food fight the likes of which has never been seen outside of that movie you remember from Middle School. Potatoes, celery, burgers, ice cream, and even chocolate lasagna were thrown as both sides refused to back down. The battle only ended after one of the DHall card checkers knocked the leaders of both organizations unconscious.  

That brings us to recent times, when both sides are actively fighting each other. The most recent action from the S&B was stealing the paperwork that allowed the B&S to print their paper physically. The B&S responded by stealing the login to the S&B’s website, making it take 10 minutes for a single story to load. As of writing this story, both sides are planning their next move. The Grinnell Publications Office doesn’t even look like a newspaper is there anymore, it looks more like a war room. 

Anyway, that is all we can write about- oh no! What is that? Why is there a catapult labeled “S&B” aimed right at my head?!