By Sarah Reif

As the administration faces continued calls to discontinue the Pioneer mascot, archivists Irene Acker and Agatha Murphy recently discovered a new piece of Grinnell College history. While struggling to escape from the basement of Burling, the adorable elderly women uncovered more mascots of our school’s past than anyone dared imagine.

According to the archivists, these have included characters such as “Thomas the Peeping Tom”, “The Boeing 737 MAXs”, “Rush Limbaugh”, and an attempt at inclusion from 2005 called “The Colorblind Warrior Allies Against Ignorance”. But amid this litany of horrors, archivists uncovered a gem: Poxy.

“I’m most surprised that students don’t know about Poxy The Smallpox Germ, once the most beloved of all our mascots,” says Irene. Poxy was an endearingly rotund creature with big cartoon eyes, a goofy smile, and a determined spirit forged from the day Christopher Columbus brought him to our shores. However, nostalgic alums may know him best by his classic cheer which involved a “group cough” on the other team. One alum recounted that “He was a cute little guy. He really got the job done—with Poxy, school spirit on campus was highly contagious and possibly fatal!”

However, some troubling information about Poxy has come to light. Poxy’s Twitter account takes great interest in Elon Musk and frequently defends white people’s right to wear dreadlocks as a part of “Viking heritage”. Poxy has also been reportedly sending suggestive DMs to several Instagram models—despite being married to Papilloma the Virus and having two beautiful, unhealthy, virus children. 

The reaction from alumni has been mixed. Barry Baeree ”03 took to Twitter to voice his disappointment, saying, “It’s hard to believe the wholesome family man we thought we knew was capable of this. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” Yet Hugh Ju’dushe ‘15 fired back in defense of Poxy. “Poxy has always kept it real for us. And now people are trying to cancel him? He wasn’t pictured with Jeffrey Epstein! He didn’t do blackface in the 70s! He never even went to any of Diddy’s White Parties! Was it because he wasn’t completely faithful to his wife? People need to understand that men aren’t built that way. Especially cartoon germ men.”

Thankfully, neither of the quoted alumni are millionaires; as such, their opinions hold no sway. The “mascot question” may already have been answered, as despite being cancelled several times, Poxy has announced that he plans to return to campus:

 “Old wounds caused by vaccine-clinics and hand-washing are gradually being healed by RFK Jr. and other brave anti-vaxxers. Ironic that they are the ones healing me!” he added gleefully.

My fellow students, now is the chance for us to make change, to right wrongs. This time, instead of calling him out, let’s call Poxy in.