By Liv Hage

Thursday:  

In a historic first for Grinnell College, the schoolwide menace known as the “Demon Cat” has been registered as an official emotional support animal.  This decision makes the Demon Cat (now affectionately named Silly Noodle) the first non-animal/human entity to become an emotional support animal. On Friday, the Coordinator of Student Disability Resources Gruyeré Wheeler issued a statement stating that “the ruling to register the ‘Demon-Cat’ as an emotional support animal was made with the utmost concern and care for the student population’s wellbeing—we expect that this pairing will greatly benefit the greater Grinnell community, and hopefully stop the ‘Demon Cat’ from shitting in the vents”.  

The student now formally associated with the Demon Cat is Balzarina Baxter, a 3rd-year Studio Art major. After a lengthy bureaucratic process, and several threatening abstract sculptures sent to the Coordinator of Student Disability Resources, Baxter finally was able to register “Silly Noodle” (the Demon Cat) as an emotional support animal. “I’m a big fan of his work”, Baxter told the B&S. “I first met Mr. [Silly] Noodle at Burling, the 3rd floor. I had to go to the bathroom but when I went in, but I saw him drawing some weird phallic mural in the bathroom…Baxter added with an unnerving giggle.  

Since that encounter, the two have been inseparable. Students have reported seeing Baxter carrying a grimy tote bag with a “strangely cat-shaped lump” everywhere, even in the Dining Hall. “Sometimes she’ll just like throw her leftovers, even her drink in the bag”, reports Baxter’s friend Lyle Wilcox ‘24. Wilcox is not the only person concerned about Baxter’s infatuation with Mr. Noodle. Studio Art professor Ivaylo Cabbage has become increasingly concerned with Baxter’s relationship with Mr. Noodle. “I’m honestly nearing my wits end,” Cabbage reports. “The fucking cat will hide out in Bucksbaum. I think it lives in the vents?” In fact, students have reported hearing a “demonic meow” through Bucksbaum.

But despite the complaints of Mr. Noodle’s disruptions and consistently putrid stench, Baxter insists he is going nowhere. “We’re not only friends, but we’re also artistic collaborators. Many people won’t admit it, but he’s a genius. He knows five languages! But most of them are from the infernal realm so normal people can’t understand it”, Baxter explained. Meanwhile, Coordinator of Student Disability Resources Gruyére Wheeler seems intent on maintaining Mr. Noodle’s licensure as an emotional support animal. “I’m honestly just scared of what will happen if I revoke Mr. Noodle’s status. I don’t want that thing lurking around in the vents or my office. I heard he eats chairs, apparently”.  

As of now, it seems that this historic decision to register a demonic entity as a support animal will stay. Any complaints or feedback about Mr. Noodle’s antics and/or smell must be directed to Luella Higgenbottom, assistant to Gruyère Wheeler and expert in Demonic Entities from the Other Worlds (DEOWs).