By James Applegate
CHARRED RUINS OF PIONEER COURTHOUSE, PORTLAND, OR – It’s been a few weeks since President Donald Trump declared that he would be sending the Oregon National Guard into “war-ravaged” Portland “to do a pretty big number on those people.” Facing difficulty with the courts and finding California, Washington, and Idaho’s National Guards reluctant to invade, Trump resorted to declaring war on the city last Saturday, hoping to catch Portlanders red-handed during one of the city’s Saturday Farmer’s Markets. In comments last Wednesday, Mr. Trump said, “You know, they have these markets, these Saturday markets, and they call it a farmer’s market but there aren’t any farmers, I know because it’s a city, not farmland, and I’ve been there, yes I have, worst day of my life, it was, and it really was, it really was frightening, I’ll admit it, I was frightened, and these people, if you can call them that, they were selling marionberry pies right next to their marionberry arson supplies, and gluten-free fentanyl, yes, fentanyl, and, you know, they even had vegan grenades and I said, how does that work? How do you get vegan grenades? But you know, these people, they’ve figured it out, they really have…”
