By Josh Emrys Payong

HSSC – “I thought it was a class about some niche French rebellion, y’know? Not…whatever the fuck this is…” sobbed Kave Mann ‘29 – who’d been assigned to TUT-100-03: The Labubu Uprising – as he handed our interviewer a rare Pink Microwave Labubu he’d received from his professor on the first day of class, “I must’ve been living under a rock if an ‘elite’ academic institution thinks I should be able to write an eight-page essay about how this little fucker reflects my relationship with my parents.”

Mann is one of many students in this year’s cohort of freshmen who have found that college is, in fact, sillier than high school. This sentiment rings particularly true for the class of 2029, who began their classes after Grinnell’s new ‘Faculty Modernization’ initiative – instituted to combat a decrease in student enrollment and retention in the past two years – which ordered a batch of new professors to be hired based on their Tumblr activity since the pandemic.

Aspiring history major, Thucy DiDeez ‘29, currently taking TUT-100-09: The Great Skibidi War, feels as though Grinnell hasn’t gone modern enough, and complains about having to study such outdated history. 

DiDeez, already fatigued by academic circlejerking, holds back no punches: “I don’t give a shit if Professor Pepe thinks that the forbidden romance between the Flying Octo-Launcher Skibidi Toilet and the Engineer Cameraman is the closest we’ll ever get to a modern Romeo and Juliet. In my opinion, it’s closer to Achilles and Patroclus, but the current scholarly scene surrounding YouTube Shorts Art History is too old-fashioned to accept modern interpretation.” His first choice – he explains – was actually TUT-100-03: The Gothification of Jojo Siwa, which he prioritized based on his desire to inform himself about matters that are more recent and politically relevant on a global scale.

Mann and DiDeez, however, are the exception. The majority of first years are ecstatic to dive into their respective Tutorials.

Take, for example, Matt Chah ‘29, who we found in the back of an HSSC room at seven in the morning – a full hour before his Tutorial, titled “Soft Boy Aesthetics: Why Wired Earbuds and Clairo Tote Bags are Necessary for Progressive Action”. The amber sunrise shot through the oak leaves outside the window and reflected warmly off his non-prescription glasses. Saffron-tinted splinters of light poked through the holes in his thrifted vintage sweater, swimming and dancing across its muted brown surface and down his wrinkled, wide-leg khakis, only to be caught in the crevices between his shining loafers and his white socks like molten gold flowing into a mold. This angle (facing directly against the light) was scarcely providing enough light to properly read the book he was holding: Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. We wouldn’t dare disturb his serenity, so we left him to read. Nevertheless, he was no doubt so excited about his class that he not only came an hour before it started, but also brought a professional photographer to make sure he could relive every second of this class whenever he felt like he wasn’t doing enough for women.

In another room, a heated debate stirred between students in TUT-100-100: 100 People vs 1 Gorilla: Who Would Really Win? The blackboards were drenched in thorough investigation. On one board, a pair of sweaty students drew out sophisticated game plans simulating every possible scenario that dots and lines and colored chalk could visualize. On another, a student thought up a list titled “Party Members”, which was split into a variety of combat roles. Under “Tanks”, Anne Harris was written with bold lettering and a triple underline. Under “Crowd Control/Damage Over Time”, the student listed half of the Computer Science department. The rest of the class sat in a circle around the last blackboard, with the question of the day: “What if the Gorilla had the Endorsement of Pope Leo XIV?” Truly, much to ponder.

Only time will tell whether this Tutorial modernization initiative might prove fruitful for these students’ academic careers. As a control group for this experimental pedagogical strategy, some old tutorials still stand as monuments of a bygone era, such as TUT-100-01: Walden and the Liberal Arts. The common sentiment expressed by students assigned to these classes? 

“I wish I’d gotten a fucking labubu.”