By Edie Worrell

LOOSE HALL- After almost an entire year’s worth of expensive renovations, Loose Hall has finally opened its doors to students and new residents of the building, and the B&S can confidently say: It’s still fucking ugly. Last month, I went, as a top B&S investigative reporter, to check out the grand reopening and get the inside scoop on what life has been like for some of its newest inhabitants. 

Upon walking into the lounge, one immediately notices the plastic decorated to look like wood, gorilla glued to cover up the historic, rotting wood underneath. The unassuming color palette of blues and greys, reminiscent of Summit Oaks Hospital in Summit, New Jersey, so I can not go in there anymore. I was also surprised to see a velvet carpet with a hanging bdsm style sex chair for shared use. My final observation was a door that opens to reveal a sign saying “come find out.” Many have entered, none have returned. 

“It’s like all the TVs got bigger, but everything else stayed mostly the same,” explained Herbert Hanau ‘27, a resident of Loose. “The basement has been completely transformed into the literal backrooms,” explained Hanu. 

“I see the shadow people come out at night,” said one resident, 4th year student Annie FUCKING Crazy. “I used to be scared of them, but honestly, they’re pretty chill and just mind their own business.” Upon further investigation, I discovered that three underclassmen have gone missing since NSO, all of whom entered Loose Hall and were never to be seen again. The search is still ongoing for Geeby Prang ‘26, Jinky Andrews ‘27, and Garance ‘29. Please contact the office of Campus Safety if you have any information on their whereabouts, and please do not look the shadow people in the eyes without permission if you decide to venture to the 

Another resident explained to me that Loose was actually “Really nice, if it wasn’t for all the damn ants.” Bridget Watkins ‘26 pulled down her shorts to show us a row of bug bites sort of resembling the shape of Kentucky on her ass. We’ve started a GoFundMe (link in bio), which students can use to donate money, which Watkins will be able to use to buy some calamine lotion. Watkins explained how, “I emailed residence life after about 3 days of living here to explain the situation. They claimed they were going to send someone, but they never came. At this point, I’ve just accepted my inevitable death via ant. I just wish that I could get some play before my untimely demise, but no one wants to fw the girl with bug bites all up on her groin.” 

Two days later, Watkins succumbed to her injuries. 

As an investigative journalist, I will continue to report on the many weird occurrences of the new Loose. Regardless, the one thing we all will miss is those green bathrooms.