By Edie Worrell

MAC FIELD- In light of the recent “Performative Male Contest” held on Grinnell’s campus, some of the college’s more sensitive members of the gender were feeling a little left out. In lieu of a strongly worded S&B editorial, they decided to hold their own competition— entitled the “Sincere and Kind Male Contest.”

Nicholas Riding ‘27 is a computer science major and stats concentrator here at the college. When asked why he decided to sign up for the competition, he said, “My girlfriend made me.” Riding describes himself as nothing, because his girlfriend did most of the talking for him. 

“He’s just a really genuine soul.” Said Grelda Spooks ‘28. “Never ONCE has he asked me to have sex. I have initiated every single time.” When we interviewed some of Nicholas’s peers, they described him as “that kid who only talks about his girlfriend.” 

“I don’t really see him hanging out with anyone else.” Said one student who has asked to remain anonymous. “I think they’ve been dating since NSO. Sometimes I see them sitting on Mac field, just staring into each other’s eyes for hours. It’s kind of creepy.” Nicholas, when asked about this, declined to comment. Grelda told us that it is to “tune themselves to the same spiritual frequency” as she wishes to, “get on the same level as my lion.”

Another contestant, Fred Balls ‘26, signed up for the event because, in his words, 

“I have never slept with and will never sleep with a freshman girl.” After cross-checking the facts, this statement has been verified true by the B&S. The statement is so true, in fact, that upon reviewing our records, we found that Balls did not even sleep with any freshman girls when he was a freshman. To our knowledge, he has yet to sleep with anyone. 

Jason Strange ‘28 is an Econ major, but says he doesn’t identify with his peers. When asked why he decided to sign up for the contest, he replied, “I’m a gay man, but I don’t feel the need to use my homosexuality as an excuse to harass and sexualize women.” We asked Strange’s best friend, Miley Smeez ‘28, a straight woman, to corroborate this message. “What? What kind of question is that?” She asked. “This is really weird. I could probably get you cancelled for homophobia or something. I don’t even know if Jason is out. Also, I’m bi.” The B&S is declining to correct Smeez’s sexual orientation as we do not believe in bisexuality as a concept. 

Maybe this means we need to look inward. We decline to comment.  

When the contest finally concluded, no one won. Miley Smeez came in second place, even though she identifies as a woman and uses she/they pronouns, and the voting council decided that was “close enough.” No one else placed.