By Nell Badgley

On September 25, the Grinnell College Board of Trustees joined students for the semester’s Dessert with the Trustees. The Trustees, invited to campus to address critical campus issues such as ensuring campus misery statistics are on a steady climb and how to band together to form a stronger coalition against current student interests, reluctantly fraternized with students in the Humanities and Social Sciences Center (HSSC) atrium on Thursday in an attempt to bridge Trustee-student relationships and pretend that this was how they wanted to spend their evening.

However, Trustees found it difficult to be serious with students, considering that, in the words of alumnus and Trustee Brandon Cunt `92, “You’re all fucking losers.”

“I was hoping the opportunity to talk with current students would inspire me. I was planning to send my children to this institution, but the student body is either made up of nerds or hapless dopes with no potential… I used to run shit around here. I can’t understand what could have happened to this place since I was a student, and who the hell they’re admitting,” commented Cunt.

Student-Trustee engagements became hostile and “catty” as the event progressed, according to Urlich Pee `27, who was in attendance that night. According to Pee, about ten minutes into the event, the Trustees migrated away from the students to gossip among themselves.

“I was trying to talk to them, and they kept rolling their eyes and looking at other trustees and guffawing. One of them was like, pointing their thumb at me, and then turned to another trustee and said, ‘Get a load of this guy,’ and started fake yawning. Like, what? Then, in the middle of telling them about my research project this summer, they just went up to each other and started whispering in each other’s ears, glancing over and pointing at me, and snickering. I was so confused,” said Pee.

In an interview with the B&S, one Trustee, Dick Superrich `95, doubled down on his behavior.

“Yeah, we were talking about how fucking lame you guys are, lmao? When I went to this school, we had everything. A huge endowment. The Harris Center was alive every weekend. We had a fucking bar in the basement of the JRC. And self-gov was actually a thing too. You guys don’t know shit about that, do you? You’re absolute dweebs. Ditch the roller backpacks, for god’s sake. I did not feel an ounce of guilt when we voted to force all students to a full meal plan on a 50% price increase for the foreseeable future,” Superrich said.

When contacted for comments, Trustees mentioned that students’ obsequious behavior put them off, and that they felt embarrassed even talking with Grinnell students. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that they were met with reluctance and even hostility when attempting to network with Trustees.

When prompted with this information, Trustees were unwavering.

“Bro wanted that LinkedIn connection so bad,” commented Trustee Percy Moggedurass `98. “I was not giving him that shit!”

One Trustee was more optimistic about the event, stating that they “look forward to it every year”. 

“It’s just kind of funny to watch them grovel at our feet. You know, I get such a rush watching them tell me about their useless extracurriculars while I toy with the idea of approving a 5% hike in tuition. It’s electrifying. They act like ‘networking’ is going to help them in their careers, meanwhile Grinnell College will cease to exist as an institution in the next ten years. The golden years are over as fuck. At least I had my fun,” said Bloop Umm `01, adding, “You’re cooked.”

The following day, President Anne Harris expressed her regrets regarding the hostile outcome of the event.

“Dear Grinnellians, I am deeply saddened and disappointed with how our Trustees’ visit to campus was carried out on Thursday, ” Harris wrote in a campus-wide email. “I was hoping our alumni and Trustees would not find out how much of our student body is made up of wimpy, vapid, involuntarily celibate losers this year. Apparently, the cat’s out of the bag. You guys really dropped the ball.”

The email contained no further content. President Harris could not be reached for further comment.