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Author: B&S Staff Page 3 of 4

New “Pure and Chaste Harris” Shakes things up during Kink

By Edie Worrell

HARRIS CENTER— After hearing that QPOC’s (formally SHIC’s) “Kink Gardner,” was to take place on the night of March 8th, Grinnell’s newly-formed Temperance Association decided to throw their own, more tame party for the campus’s voluntarily celibate students. “Pure and Chaste Harris” took place that same Friday night—and according to some Temperance Association members–was a huge success!

Binston Swongo Wins SGA Election with Landslide Victory of Both Votes

By Bohdin Bright

JRC — The great game-show wheel of the sky has come up in March once again, and students from across Grinnell College are, as usual, completely ignoring the SGA elections. But little do they realize that they are living in a legend, an inflection point around which the entire axis of history will turn, a moment that future generations will look back upon for thousands of years to come; Binston Swongo has been elected as president of the SGA.

Running on a platform of national unity and strong leadership, Swongo’s natural charisma and impassioned speeches won the hearts – and votes – of the only two people who bothered to attend the debates, neither of whom were the other candidates. When questioned about his missing opponents, Swongo instead launched into a speech about how he would legalize open carry because “it would be pretty funny.”

Noyce Stolen by Bike Thieves: Campus Safety Mobilized

By Jude Morgan

JRC—Early this past Monday, students residing in South Residence halls were rudely awoken to the shouts of horror as stem professors were greeted with the empty crater where Noyce once stood. It is believed around 2 A.M. the night prior, a group of armed vandals had managed to lift and carry the entirety of Noyce Science Center off of its foundations and away from campus. An official statement released from the Grinnell Department of Defense indicates this event could be linked to the local militant group of bike thieves, who have been operating in the area for many months now, reinvigorated by the cold weather and wide selection of bikes. 

Campus Health Report: Brazilian Butt Lifts Come to Campus

By Catherine Terelak

JRC 101—Grinnell College Weekend’s Spa Night event took a dark turn at approximately 7:47 p.m. when Dr. Franklin Jablinski (a.k.a., the Botox King of Central Iowa), arrived in his Plumping Van and started hawking his wares. “We got B.B.L.’s!” he shouted from the sidewalk. “We can do it right in the back of my van! One hundred percent your own stomach fat pumped back into your ass! Forty-five percent non-rejection rate!”

When questioned by B&S correspondents, Weekend coordinators had no memory of inviting Dr. Jablinski to Spa Night. The Botox King himself freely admitted that he had not been contracted by the college: “I just find myself drawn to places where people are suffering from flat asses. I think I’m sorta like Mother Teresa, in that way.”

Awkward: You Saw Your Lab Partner at Kink Gardner

By Chris Cardenas

GARDNER LOUNGE–Seeing your classmates on Monday after a weekend at Kink Gardner can feel uncomfortably degrading. You make eye contact with the guy who you ate whipped cream off of while dressed up in a slutty Che Guevara costume, and suddenly, the idea of getting a well-rounded education at a small liberal arts college doesn’t sound quite so appealing anymore. 

Nervous, you try to imagine that everyone in the room is naked, but your mind suddenly shifts to a vivid image of Professor Dinkler wearing nothing but chains, gleaming under the fluorescent lights. “I know you want to seize these means of reproduction,” he utters to you in the depths of your hallucination, shoving your Applied Sociology textbooks on the floor. “I have nothing to lose but these chains.” Thankfully, this discomforting daydream comes to an end as he cold calls you. You just hope he won’t ask to meet you in his office after class.

B&S Investigation: The HSSC is Missing

By Conrad Dahm

GRASSY PATCH NEAR NOYCE- As students made their normal Monday morning walk to classes, they notice something different today: the Humanities and Social Sciences Center (HSSC) was gone. Yep, you read that right: the HSSC literally disappeared.

“I was trying to go to my history seminar this morning but the building is gone, just like gone,” said one third-year student. “I haven’t heard anything from my Professor about this either.

Students have been found sitting around the now grassy patches of land, placing their backpacks down and walking away with some saying “I still need my study spot.”

Reactions amongst the faculty and student body have been mixed.

B&S Investigation Into The Demon Cat; Pt. 3

By Liv Hage

HSSC—Thursday, February 22: 

It was unusually cold in the atrium as Lulu Sillyewalker 27’ walked in on Thursday night. Overloaded with homework for her Statistic class, Sillyewalker decided to hunker down at an atrium table to study—but something was off. “It was really weird, I just felt this sort of energy pulling me in a different direction”, she tells the B&S. As the unseen force pulled her to the bottom left corner of the atrium, the air grew even more frigid, and the lights dimmed. As Sillyewalker journeyed further down the hall, she was confronted with an ominous-looking door. Upon approaching, it slowly creaked open. 

New Glitch Discovered in Mailroom Lockers

By Edie Worrell

MAIL ROOM- Early this past Monday morning, students discovered a glitch in the newly implemented Smart Locker system, when Jinky Andrews ‘25 noticed a message pop up on the “Pioneer” locker screen as she went to retrieve her package.

“The message read: Show me ur t*ts lol,” Jinky explained. “At first I was like, haha, who’s doing this? That’s kind of a brilliant prank! But then when another message popped up a few seconds later, I decided to take my chances.”

Dining Dollars Expanded Off Campus To Smoke Shops

By Conrad Dahm

JRC- In a move students are applauding as “revolutionary” and “the best decision Grinnell made since not having paper towels in dorm bathrooms,” Grinnell College has officially announced that students will be able to spend Dining Dollars off-campus at all smoke shops.

The move comes after the recent expansion of Dining Dollars being accepted at places such as Prairie Grackle and Dari Shack. Now, students will be able to spend Dining Dollars to purchase a variety of smoking products. The expansion is open to all years of students because owners of the smoke shop say they “don’t care anymore” and “probably won’t card you.” The drinking age remains 21. 

Academic Advising Implements “The Button” as Alternative Advisor Selection Program

By Jude Morgan

HSSC 3rd FLOOR ATRIUM TABLE – As the second semester enters its 6th week, Academic Advising is once again faced with the sudden horror of students declaring at the last minute and picking their major advisor. In an effort to ease the pressure on the overwhelmed professors who have somehow managed to maintain above a 4 on Rate My Professor, Advising has looked to the student body for a solution. Taking inspiration from the recent Valentine’s Day dating game show “The Button”, they have elected to implement a similar game that flawlessly matches students with their ideal advisor. 

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