By Edie Worrell
NOLLEN HOUSE— In a shocking and devastating turn of events, Grinnell’s unofficial official mascot, Scarlett the Squirrel has fucking dies. This sudden loss has devastated the local community, who knew Scarlett as a god-fearing, Anne Harris-loving squirrel.
By Bella Takata
HSSC- “I couldn’t believe it,” said Joey Hornbag ‘28, “Me and Candy LaCreme were just about to get engaged.”
Joey is one of dozens of Grinnellians left devastated after their HSSC Study Rooms were revealed to be inhabited by ancient spirits and not sexy AI.
“We met one dark and moody night,” explained Mickey G, “She spoke to me as I was packing my bag. THIS ROOM WILL SHUT DOWN IN 60 SECONDS, that’s what she said to me. After that, I was a goner.”
By Sarah Reif for the B&S Editorial Board
As President of Grinnell, Anne Harris has involved herself greatly in College affairs. She has been a judge at Tithead, Halloween Harris’s special guest, patron of the arts, etc., etc., etc., and so forth. I also ran into her at Walmart yesterday.
As a result, she has absolutely squandered the mystique that accompanies being the president of a small liberal-arts college. She is too much the people’s president. However, we on The B&S Editorial Board have strategized specialized techniques to mitigate and even reverse the “normalization” of Anne Harris.
By James Applegate
SGA SUITE, JOE ROSENFIELD ‘25 CENTER – As the longest government shutdown in American history stretches on, Grinnell’s very own Student Government Association has decided to take matters into its own hands regarding one of the most publicized consequences of the shutdown: the painful asphyxiation of SNAP and similar federal assistance programs. But America needs never again be food insecure, for today, after many long, twice-a-month, one-hour meetings of arduous brainstorming, expansive and compassionate sociological investigation, rigorous tabling somewhere in D-Hall (we think), and a “very insightful” all-campus Google Form, SGA announced a new initiative to address essential needs across the Grinnell student body: Sweeping Nutrition Assistance Grinnell, or SNAG.
By Josh Emrys Payong
Dear Binston Swongo,
Every night since Halloweekend, I’ve found myself lost in the woods past the golf course, stroking each pine and spruce as if they were his own trunk. You see, Binston…I thought I hooked up with the real Lorax that Friday night. He whisked me away from the Harris by the arm with his soft cheeto-colored hand, his other firmly grasping his bushy tushy like he does when he flies. It was cold out, but it mattered not, for his voluminous moustache enveloped me like a womb does to a baby. He ripped open my fursuit from behind (you see, I’d gone as the Cat in the Hat, but with humongous naturals) and most definitely Let it Grow. But just as I was about to finish, I accidentally ripped some bark off the tree I’d been leaning on. All he did was stop, shake his head, re-twisted his cock (did you know that the Lorax has a corkscrew dick, like ducks? wild), then flew off into the night sky. What do I do with myself, Binston? How do I fill this stout, oval-shaped hole in my gaping ass?
Sincerely,
Cat in the Hat with Humongous Naturals
By Sophia Levitas-Goren
It’s everywhere. Around every corner, a flier for a drag show riddled with images of dildos and leather. In every office, one to a dozen pride flags. Even inside your dorm room, you aren’t safe; your girlfriends are bisexual. For too long, straight men have been suffering “in silence,” claims E. Jack Ulate ‘28. “I play baseball here and the entire team agrees that, like, this school is, like, super gay, like, no offense, but it’s, like, too gay.”
By Sophia Levitas-Goren
HSSC- In ancient Greek society, it was believed by great thinkers, such as Plato, that a woman’s womb wandered around her body, sat on her organs, and made her ill or crazy. This fascinating femininomenon was labeled “the wandering womb” and inspired the term “hysteria,” seeing as “hys” means womb in Ancient Greek. So, you can’t gaslight your girlfriend. It’s ingrained into our womanly, hysterical blood to be coocoo banana.
By Sophia Levitas-Goren
Mayhaps it relied entirely on who could smile through the most insults thrown at them. Perchance, it was dependent on the social media creativity and how good the thirst traps were. Nonetheless, both Zohran Mamdani and Binston Swongo lost the Grinnell Mayoral election to Sam Cox.
By Catherine Terelak
Dear Advisor,
In our meeting last Tuesday, you inquired again about my post-graduation plans. As you know, I’m trying to cobble together a career in the arts, though this seems less and less plausible the more I reread my own writing. Some of the satire, I think, is quite good. The more serious “literary” stuff is obviously strip-mined from my own nervous psyche. Subtlety is not my strong suit, and I haven’t yet discovered how to be political without sounding like a school shooter. I like me, but God knows if any institution will trust me with a stipend and a teaching fellowship.
For this reason, I’ve decided to explore other options. My parents have generously agreed to provide lodging on an indefinite basis, and I’ve been checking the job listings within a twenty-mile radius of their home in Eastern Massachusetts. Yesterday, I discovered a temporary recruitment notice for the position of manager at Sky Zone in the Liberty Tree Mall, hence my urgency in emailing and choice to mark this email “URGENT.”
By Conrad Dahm
NATATORIUM – The Grinnell College Russell K. Osgood Pool is undergoing new changes due to a lifeguard shortage on campus. The Grinnell College administration wrote in a Snapchat message to the B&S that they are “aware of the changes being made to the pool,” and “welcome feedback from the campus community as we navigate these changes.” The B&S does not know what that means, but we spoke with students, lifeguards, and staff to inform you on what these changes exactly are.
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