By Edie Worrell

NOLLEN HOUSE— In a shocking and devastating turn of events, Grinnell’s unofficial official mascot, Scarlett the Squirrel has fucking dies. This sudden loss has devastated the local community, who knew Scarlett as a god-fearing, Anne Harris-loving squirrel. 

“She lived in my garage,” claimed Grinnell College President Anne Harris. “I had met her about 5 years prior, right before I became president of the College. At the time, she was just completely addicted to acorns and had been kicked out of her nest by her neglectful mother. When she made fun of our official mascot “the Pioneers”— calling it insensitive and twinky— that’s when the team and I decided to ask her to become the unofficial official mascot.” With the help of Harris and Grinnell, Scarlett was clean from acorns within months, instead living off of Anne Harris’s famous “special soup” and dog food. Scarlett became the new unofficial mascot of Grinnell. She participated in many moves in days, Scarlett and Give Back Days, and admissions office TikToks before her untimely demise. 

“She was the best squirrel, and my best friend.” Stated Harris. Her and Scarlett’s relationship was incredibly tight-knit, with many rumors stating it bordered on sexual, though none can confirm this theory. Anne says she will be taking time off from her presidential duties to mourn. 

It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, however. For as many friends as Scarlett had, she also developed enemies. 

“She bit my fucking kid a few years ago, and we had to go get rabies shots. You know how much those cost?” Said Sally Snitch, a Grinnell local. Scarlett also tended to butt heads with the sports teams, whose refusal to change their mascot from Pioneer to Squirrel really affected her self-image. Fame really got to Scarlett’s head. She began making many TikToks for the admissions office, even when not asked. 

“She was clocking hours into ADP that we had never approved.” Said Jim Baloney, head of admissions. “The videos themselves were turning suggestive— she tried to start an OnlyFans using the official Grinnell TikTok. When I told her that’s absolutely not allowed, she cussed me out and shat on my desk, and scurried away up the wall.” Grinnell’s alumni council was devising a plan to get Scarlett some more serious psychiatric help to aid with her aggressive behavior and unstable self-image when she drowned in the mud pit that had been developing outside of Loose Hall for the past few weeks. 

“That’s why we’re draining the damn thing.” Said FM, “So this will NEVER happen to another squirrel on campus.”

Despite Scarlett’s wild temper and mental instability, her legacy lives on on the campus of Grinnell. “We’re really trying to honor Scarlett by making her the official mascot of Grinnell. We already removed the iron cross from the athletic gear, so how much more money can it be to put a cute little squirrel on all the sports jerseys instead?” said Anne Harris.