By Sophia Levitas-Goren

MARKETPLACE DINING HALL- “Last year was a nightmare,” says cheery checker Lindiana Lasserole, who was present at Drinner. “I’m still processing.” 

“Do you know the effect it had on us? We had to host a process group every Saturday for those suffering from ‘PDSD, ’” says cheery checker Tunisa Lad.  

We asked Lad what PDSD meant, and they had to take a moment to compose themselves. Tearfully, Lad gasped out, “Post-Drinner Stress Disorder.” 

As you can see from just a few short quotes, the celebration of 10/10 in the year of 2024 — which ironically took place on October 5th — caused such a severe amount of trauma that  Kendrick Lamar and Charli XCX have been banned from the dish-line playlist, as even the words “Brat” and “Not Like Us” produce extreme reactions including, but not limited to, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, anxiety, dissociation, and death. From the processing group we attended, many victims of the events of Drinner 2024 are still feeling the consequences. Some expressed nightmares, describing how they chased a student who stole the hot sauce containers for hours, ending with them slipping on a massive puddle of Tabasco while students threw hamburger buns and laughed at them. “I wake up sobbing every time,” they choke out. 

Another survivor, Tunisa Lad’s sister Egsa, explains how they stayed days after Drinner to continuously scrub at the ice-cream, soy-sauce, ketchup-stained floor with a single toothbrush. The mess hadn’t just been in Dhall; it had travelled in the Renfrow Smith Gallery, where the survivor scrubbed and scrubbed with that nasty toothbrush for days. So long, that Lad became the next exhibit, titled “tooth/tuuth/truth,” showcased through the end of November. 

“I can never listen to John Denver again,” Lasserole says while dabbing their never-ending tears from their cheeks. 

According to scientific research, around the anniversary of the experienced trauma, a person diagnosed with PDSD will begin to experience an increase in their PDSD-related symptoms. Cheery checkers are calling in sick, terrified by the environment. Staff are hiding behind those doors that magically open behind the pasta station. Chairs are being put on the doors to the outside to ensure no one gets in — or out. 

So, what might Dhall be planning to do to preserve the mental and physical well-being of the cheery checkers on the upcoming day we all know as 10/10, which ironically is on October 11th this year? Perhaps this answer will shock you, perhaps it will enrage you. Perhaps it will boost your over-passionate patriotism, which may or may not be quivering on the edge into fascist nationalism. 

Well, dear readers, the cheery checkers are calling in the US National Guard for Drinner this year. 

When asked about the reasoning behind this decision, the Lad sisters said, “Many of our staff are terrified to come in on that day. They thought that the only people capable of protecting D-Hall from a bunch of drunken, horny, scantily-clad, labubu-wearing, mullet-donning, feminist literature-reading, matcha-drinking, socialist, communist, leftist, queer, pretentious, anxious, depressed, over-achieving, twenty-something-year-old liberal arts college students would be the National Guard.” 

We asked if they were worried about bad publicity. They told us no. “The trustees recommended this approach. They told us that if we get any nasty emails, just forward it to them. They rarely check them anyway.” 

We then asked if they were concerned about ICE, and they shook their heads. “Our ice machines will be turned off that day to ensure no mess and limited ice cuts and frostbite.” 

We asked how they expect the students to react to this news, and how they might behave during Drinner. The cheery checkers responded, “We hope that the students will be respectful to the cheery checkers from now on. We are capable of many things. We are strong and independent, but if we cannot rely on ourselves or each other, we will not hesitate to use extreme measures. We aren’t afraid to forcefully separate them from their beloved copies of Dostoyevsky or their gallon milk cartons that have names like ‘Ruth Bader Gins-borg’ or ‘Borg Washington’ or ‘Borg George’ that are clearly not filled with milk.”   

We then asked if the cheery checkers think this year will go better now that the National Guard will be arriving on campus. They nodded, agreeing with each other on their positive outlook. We questioned where they might stay. The cheery checkers shrugged, recommending with students or professors. We mentioned the Third Amendment. They stared at us blankly. 

We then asked where the National Guard would go after 10/10. The Lads responded, “Campo could use a couple more people. They always need help to pass out popsicles and donuts.”