By James Applegate

CHARRED RUINS OF PIONEER COURTHOUSE, PORTLAND, OR – It’s been a few weeks since President Donald Trump declared that he would be sending the Oregon National Guard into “war-ravaged” Portland “to do a pretty big number on those people.” Facing difficulty with the courts and finding California, Washington, and Idaho’s National Guards reluctant to invade, Trump resorted to declaring war on the city last Saturday, hoping to catch Portlanders red-handed during one of the city’s Saturday Farmer’s Markets. In comments last Wednesday, Mr. Trump said, “You know, they have these markets, these Saturday markets, and they call it a farmer’s market but there aren’t any farmers, I know because it’s a city, not farmland, and I’ve been there, yes I have, worst day of my life, it was, and it really was, it really was frightening, I’ll admit it, I was frightened, and these people, if you can call them that, they were selling marionberry pies right next to their marionberry arson supplies, and gluten-free fentanyl, yes, fentanyl, and, you know, they even had vegan grenades and I said, how does that work? How do you get vegan grenades? But you know, these people, they’ve figured it out, they really have…”

Following through, Trump deployed the U.S. military to Portland, which engaged Portland’s masses of armed and organized political dissidents on Saturday. Preparation included mandated Portlandia binge-watching sessions. Soldiers were trained to ambush Portlanders at gas stations because they would refuse to leave their cars to pump their own gas. But Portland residents, who were calmly insisting that there was no need for federal intervention in the city and that all things were normal and calm before the president declared war, have reported little changing even in the wake of the invasion.

It turns out that Portlanders have been dealing with mayhem and violence in an uninterrupted flow for the past five years. “It’s been pretty chill these past few days, actually,” said Anton Tifas. Tifas, a Portland native clad in an L.L. Bean flannel, a yellow beanie, and a Kevlar vest, reported that, “It’s been, oh, I’d say roughly this violent most days.” A Molotov cocktail smashes through the window of his apartment. He snatches it and lobs it back out into the rioting crowd below. “Just a day in the life, man.”

Walking around the warzone, it’s clear that residents have been going about their daily lives relatively unaffected by the scenes of carnage and horror that surround every waking moment. Extreme political violence seems old hat. A man bikes across the Tilikum Crossing pedestrian bridge, misted by the fallout from mortar shells bursting in the Willamette River. A family clutching exotic blends from Stumptown Coffee Roasters steps over the burned remains of ICE cars on their way to their family’s all-electric Hyundai Ioniq 5. “Classic Portland,” jokes Haicost O’Livin, who we find dressed in full Victorian garb and drinking from a full porcelain tea set laid out in the middle of a bomb crater. She tells us that she plans on dropping off some spare human kidneys at the pay-what-you-can co-op down the street and using the spare change to buy a bottle of Portland Ketchup and a new bomb vest at New Seasons, an overpriced Oregon grocery chain.

If you plan on enlisting in the military and being sent to Portland, you can expect kale fritattas with Bloody Marys for brunch between being protested to death outside the public library and run over by naked bikers who’ve heard that you’re here to toll Oregon roads. Military travel guides recommend trying the goat cheese and jalapeno ice cream at Salt & Straw, taking a spin on the aerial tram, hiking in the Japanese Gardens, or visiting Powell’s City of Books, if you aren’t consumed by the city’s ravenous hordes.*