The B & S

Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

D-Hall Pee Chart: Actually Secret Margarita Menu?

By Catherine Terelak

JRC—In pee-cent weeks, Grinnellians have brought vials of their urine into D-Hall to measure against the new “Assess Your Hydration Status” chart, a helpful infographic located conveniently near the JRC bathrooms. Tinkla Pissler ‘26 reports that her urine trickles out at a healthy Level 2. “I love water!” she said. “It tastes delicious, like a swimming pool.” Pissful Urington ‘24 of Bilox-pee, Mississip-pee is a victim of Level 8 Dehydration. As suggested on the poster, he’s “seeking help.” 

Dear Binston Swongo: I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene.

By Josh Payong

 Dear Binston Swongo,

I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene. My ex-wife and I were students at Grinnell as members of the class of ‘11, but dropped out to engage in the artistic pursuit of being a Feetfinder Connoisseur. However, as my toes wrinkled and my soles turned a sickening yellow, my wife (38F) stopped finding pleasure in sucking them. Thus, our relationship has ended, and I have returned to Grinnell to finish my studies.

True Purpose of Renfrow Hall Remains Unknown

By Amelia Vrieze

RENFROW HALL- As construction on Renfrow Hall continues, students and town inhabitants alike wonder how it will fulfill its stated purpose as a bridge between the campus and town communities. The latest statements from the committee behind the project have attempted to shed new light on the ways this new off-campus housing option will function.

Grinnell College Acknowledges Meal Plan Protests; Offers New, Flexible Dining Options

By Bohdin Bright

JRC — After long weeks of protest, the plaintive cries of the student body have been heard at last. Exercising her divine mandate to rule, Anne Harris has graciously ordered the college administration to negotiate with the student body to lay out plans for new dining options that will fit the varied and diverse needs of the students while still making them lots of money. Although the dining hall won’t be ready to offer these new selections until next year, the B&S has been given a sneak peek at the upcoming menu. The centerpiece? Gruel.

B&S Investigation Reveals Grinnell Football Stats are Actually Tickle Stats

By Chris Cardenas

ROSENBLOOM FIELD–B&S investigators have blown the whistle on a Grinnell Football scandal that is sure to leave audiences both tickled and bewildered. In a stunning turn of events, the B&S has discovered that all Grinnell “tackle” stats are actually “tickle” stats. It appears our football team’s defensive skills lie not in bone-crushing takedowns, but in the subtle art of the tickle. Instead of bringing down ball carriers with thunderous force, our Pioneers are seemingly deploying a strategic arsenal of feather-light pokes, leaving opponents giggling uncontrollably as they scamper past the goal line. 

B&S Editorial: We are Back!

By Conrad Dahm

Hello Grinnell! That’s right. We. Are. Back! The B&S, the greatest and most accurate newspaper in the history of everything, is back. You may be asking, “what does it mean to be back?” Well, all we can say is that we will be publishing for another semester, but not after a long and arduous journey. Instead of spending winter break relaxing and not being in Burling for 16 hours a day, our staff embarked on an epic journey, a journey that is allowing our newspaper to continue.

the crows are back.

By Liv Hage

FORUM—As the snow melts into a pathetic puddle, and muddy footprints fill the JRC, the new first years are greeted by the unique smell of fresh shit. Literal shit. The culprit? The newly returned crows. Just back from a luxurious migration, the familiar feathered friend has succeeded in its annual hazing of the unsuspecting first years. Although we, at the B&S, are thoroughly versed in matters of feces for some reason, the newest members of our community are not. 

New Website Comes to Grinnell

By Do Not Publish My Name

NOYCE BASEMENT COMPUTER LAB — Just in time for Valentine’s Day, OnlyFans has released a Grinnell-friendly update: GronlyFans. 

GronlyFans works on the same basic model as OnlyFans. But now, Grinnellians won’t have to slog through pages and pages of normal amateur porn to find what they really want. This week, GronlyFans is soft-launching three corporate content creators that will be sure to shuck your corn. 

Student Indulges in a Frozen Treat; Publishes Best-Selling Book

By Josh Payong

8th AVENUEAs a result of the arctic blast that ravaged Grinnell a few days before the start of the spring semester, hills and mounds of snow caked upon campus grounds piqued the interest of José S. Cruz ‘27. He was ecstatic for the opportunity to do all the things he’d heard about on the Grinnell Instagram page: have snowball fights, make snow angels, fuck some snowmen, have snowball fights while fucking snowmen in a field littered with snow angels…Luckily for him, there was a massive grey pile of frosty goodness right outside the JRC, of what he presumed to be of the A&W Cream Soda Jelly Bean variety, from which Cruz took a little nibble.

Winter Break Airport Shuttles Still Overbooked; College Offers Six Cots in Airport Lounge

By Bohdin Bright

DES MOINES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT — Although classes have already been in session for weeks, students across campus are still haunted by the memory of flying into the Des Moines airport on their return from winter break; arriving hours early to get through the TSA on time, only to be forced to stand in line again because they forgot they had a tube of toothpaste in their carry-on and because they did not take iPad out of their bag quick enough. They are the lucky ones, for whom that experience was merely a sour note on an otherwise joyful return to the loving embrace of Grinnell.

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