By Alexa Dolinko

JRC– In an email sent a few months ago, the Grinnell administration begged students to stop using Yik Yak. “We can’t actually stop you from doing this, but we just really want you to. Please? Please will you stop? Stop it! Stop going on Yik Yak!” Admin sent this email after reports of bullying, as well as other problems. “I don’t want to say who, but one of my students forgot that the PWeb discussion board wasn’t Yik Yak and posted ‘why won’t any1 touch me’ in the Chapter Two Discussion section. It was awkward the next day in class” said Professor Gayne Wubbins.

As a result of this email, every single student immediately opened Yik Yak. More Grinnellians were on Yik Yak in the hour after this email than when Sister Cindy came to campus. After seeing this result, admin decided to try tactics other than sending pleading emails to their student body.

One strategy had administrators squirting Grinnellians in the face with a water gun every time they saw someone on Yik Yak. A second year was seen running away from student affairs director Flarna Jort. When asked about this incident, Jort said, “Oh my god she was trying not to cry? That’s so embarrassing.” Another strategy involved withholding food until students had deleted Yik Yak. Dhall cheery checkers have been instructed to drag any student found with Yik Yak to the JRC bathroom, shove their head in the toilet and give them a swirlie. 

Finally, to combat rampant and savage Yik Yak use, admin finally just turned off campus wifi. “We know you ‘need wifi to do your homework’ or whatever, but you little twerps won’t stop cyberbullying each other and we don’t want to deal with the paperwork.”

However, the administration has run into an unexpected problem. “We thought that Yik Yak was the issue, but it turns out Grinnellians are just assholes. Apparently they’re perfectly willing to say equally heinous things to each other’s faces.” Without a place to express their weird sex stuff or petty complaints, Grinnellians have started to use other outlets to express themselves. “I saw a poster up in the HSSC that just said ‘I’m a little pain piggy, who wants to pinch my moo moo milkers’” reports Eddie Stone ‘18. “A guy on Cleve beach was furiously shouting into a megaphone about how someone spilled soup on the sidewalk” says Giblet Gormp ‘23.

In response to the rash of analog bullying and public nudity, admin has now changed strategies. In a new email last week, Dean of students Neb Oldshack, D.D.S., beseeched students to redownload Yik Yak. “We know things may have gotten a tad out of hand when we chased you around pelting you with ketchup packets and put whoopie cushions on your chairs in Burling. Heh, sorry about that. But great news, the wifi is back! You are all now free to redownload Yik Yak. There will be absolutely no consequences at all to anyone who wishes to have the Yik Yak app on their phone. No more wet willies from Anne Harris, we promise! Yik Yak is great. In fact, downloading Yik Yak is now a graduation requirement! Just please stop writing about how you long for the caress of a tentacle in sidewalk chalk outside of Noyce.”