By Bodhi West

Cryptids, yes, indeed and indubitably. You’ve heard of Mbielu-mbielu-mbielu, the Montauk Monster, and the Skunk Ape, all mysterious critters that we here at the B&S have encountered at one point in our application process or another, but did you know that Grinnell College has its own cast of spooky varmints? That’s right, we’re not the 6th ranked college for nothing. Here’s a list of the best Grinnell cryptids, loosely ranked in order of their pulchritude:

12: Room Gnomes

These miniature stem majors leave random stolen goods in HSSC rooms to make you think people are reserving them. So if you ever see a single airpod or a water bottle left in a HSSC room, remember that no human person would reserve a room like that. Go claim the room anyway. 

11: The Georgian Scruncher

There are many Georgian Scrunchers, one a boy, another a girl, and the third non-binary. They scrunch the study time of passing students into the two hour period right before an exam unless provided copious scratches and pets lasting up until two hours before your next exam. 

10: The Shit Committee

A mysterious gathering of cloaked figures in the trees outside of Noyce that debate endlessly amongst themselves about which students deserve to be shit upon. God help us all if they ever reach an agreement. 

9: The Mailroom Ghoul

A transfer cryptid from Nebraska, Timmy Ticklish ‘29 (a.k.a The Mailroom Ghoul) kicks your packages before vomiting dust all over them and handing them to you. He is trying his best and we salute him for his service. 

8: The Demon Case

A Nerf@Noyce classic, the demon case is a glass case that screams upon any kind of mild touch or scrape, from the gentle caress of a lover to the mean left hook I gave it last summer. This has pushed away the ones it loves and isolated it. Thankly, emotional wounds are silent. 

7: Pool Party Mannequins

Usually found in the Bucksbaum’s kiddy pool in sexy velvet lingerie, these mannequins will scuttle around the basement marking all the practice rooms as ‘in use.’ Should you open one of these doors, you will be forced to use the Bucksbaum basement showers. 

6: The Turquoise Room

A mysterious Bucksbaum room used to get into theoretically any other room except the one you want. This reporter has been late to every single one of his hurdy gurdy practices because of it. 

5: Sign Mimic

Ever need an essay printed for peer review in class and when you go to Burling there’s a sign on both printers saying they don’t work and that IT has been ‘notified?’ Those signs are liars, demons that exist solely to trick you into thinking IT would be notified about ANYTHING. Ignore them, print anyway, who can stop you? Certainly not IT. 

4: Southern Walking Bed

Rudely forcing its way into any and somehow every single, the Southern Walking Bed lures your sleep deprived fellow students like moths to flame with its mildly comfortable mattress pad until you suddenly find yourself with a new roommate. 

3: Key Kind Samaritan

A slender figure with hands only found in the best kind of yaoi, the key kind samaritan steals your keys before returning them at an unspecified time directly to the bed you sleep in. Will it be at a convenient time? Almost certainly not. 

2: Noyce Looping Hallway

The bane of many a first year, the Noyce Looping hallway traps students in the basement until they agree to become either a physics major to disprove its existence or a psych major to categorize the hallway as a tulpa made from their various mental ailments and move on. 

1: Mothman

Wearing a striking black that never goes out of style, mothman, though a rare visitor to campus, never leaves me unsatisfied. One night with the moth and I was harking the herald angels sing. There is no contest, mothman lays and receives pipe like none other and for that earns the number one spot. I just wish he’d stop vaping. 

And that is all this humble reporter has for you for today about the wacky and wonderful cryptids of Grinnell College. A few notable cryptids were left out so as to leave an opportunity for you, dear reader, to go out and find some creatures of your own. So remember, stay frosty and for the love of god don’t hook up with every strange shadowy shape that’s in your doorway.