By Amelia Mani

Unable to find the time to explore your sexuality due to a surplus of snooty readings? Interested in finally learning what “69-ing” means but unable to circumvent the Google parental controls still on your cell phone? If any of these statements resonated with you, you are not alone. A recent study conducted by a global UN research task force found that students at Grinnell are much, much lamer than the average college student. In response to this crisis of shelteredness, the Center for Careers, Life, and Service has unveiled a new opportunity for Grinnellians to gain confidence and life experience, or at least the ability to take a shot without crying, through opportunities funded by the new “Have Some Fun for Fuck’s Sake” grant. 

Through the “Have Some Fun for Fuck’s Sake” grant, CLS has partnered with non-lame universities (a Carnegie Mellon classification) to give recipients the opportunity to be immersed in authentic collegiate culture. These fully-funded trips allow students to take part in the best traditions that college life has to offer, such as keg-stands, the dulcet musical stylings of Fetty Wap, and eating shit on the way to purchase a 2:30 A.M. burrito. By the end of this program, students will have gained crucial knowledge in socializing and experience in being a normal, functioning, human person. 

Of course, CLS would never just send these poor students out into the world of fun and excitement unprepared. Grant recipients were trained in normal-people lingo, learning terminology such as “scissoring” and “social life,” and deconditioned from referring to Grinnell as the Harvard of Iowa. Pants ending above the calf and tops with exposed shoulders and/or midriff were provided, donated by Reverend Polyester Decrease as a part of her Sexo-Spiritual Discovery campaign. Additionally, they were all equipped with one “free alcoholic beverage” voucher each to give to their “host-friends”: students at these normal universities who volunteered to spend time with Grinnell visitors without beating them up.  

Recipients of the “Have Some Fun for Fuck’s Sake” grant are already raving about their experiences, detailing exciting new encounters and discoveries most people had in middle school.  

“I experienced my first kiss. It was magical,” one recipient told the B&S, who, upon elaboration, explained that they had not actually participated in said kiss but saw it from afar and watched with awe until the couple made a beeline for the exit. 

Wow, okay, alarming! Whatever oils your shaft, I guess. Nonetheless, this new venture shows promise in helping the student body become a little less insufferable. We at the B&S hope that all Grinnellians enjoyed their fall break and got the time off they needed to forget to keep a stick shoved up their behinds.