Aries: Took odd jobs including (but not limited to): Clown at a pet resort, Leech Collector, Groom of the Stool for an unnamed billionaire, and Referee for the National Quidditch Tournament. We respect the grind.

Taurus: 3-month bender. Surprised you made it back.

Gemini: Fell in love with another counselor at a summer camp. You’ll never see them again.

Cancer: Hooked up with another MAP student and now you share three of the same classes. Awkward. 

Leo: Blasted all your D-Hall Student Worker savings betting on the Tour De France despite never having learned how to ride a bike yourself.

Virgo: Spent 60 hours a week doing unpaid data entry at an Ivy League lab. Anything for the résumé.

Libra: Sold your soul for an internship at Blackrock. Go Forth, I guess…

Scorpio: Trained for and won 4th place in the Biannual Muay Thai tournament at Ames Dojo.

Sagittarius: Lived in the woods to ‘disconnect’ and came back woefully confused about how everyone has a personal relationship with Jimothy the Raccoon.

Capricorn: Did paid research on the recurring theme of incest in Yu-Gi-Oh! and published a first-author article about it. We’re all jealous.

Aquarius: Backpacked across Europe to ‘broaden’ your ‘horizons’. Came back with an obnoxious obsession with niche French cigarettes and how you “can’t get anything like it en Amérique”.

Pisces: Chudded out in your grandma’s basement because you were “too busy” to apply to more than one internship in the spring.

Also in the news:

  • Super El Nino melts frozen bodies of trustees kept in the Noyce basement; they immediately vote for more Weekend funding and Fracking Harris
  • D-Hall salad bar stinkbug population at an all-time high
  • Grinnell Football wins season opener for the first time since the late Renaissance
  • Grinnell Yikyak found to be prime example of Dead Internet Theory – is nothing sacred to Big Tech?
  • Trump administration replaces L, G, B, T, and Q with T, R, U, M, and P in new “Americalphabet” to be shown in public school classrooms.