By Bodhi West

With Fall rapidly passing over Grinnell, the CLS has released a controversial new guide on how to stay warm and professionally connected this oncoming winter. Spanning simultaneously over 16, 15, 12, 25, 12, 15, 18, 1, and 24 page(s) of detailed text, the guide describes how to apply for, integrate into, expand, develop, and take over a professional environment for all of one’s networking needs. The environment in question? A polycule. 

“The first step is identifying a potential polycule to join,” says the CLS Guide to Professional Polyamory (‘26), “Make sure to be on the lookout for flyers around campus, LinkedIn connections in existing polycules, and groups looking for yet another roommate to split rent with. Once you have found a polycule aligning with your professional interests, then you can look into applying.”

Some examples of polycules the B&S found using this advice alone would be the mailing room, the registrar, Wilson center, and with a little bit of elbow lube, the Tippie College of Business at Iowa State. So far, nothing contentious, just typical polyamorous advice, as has been noted by our B&S polyamory experts.

The next section of the guide is much more contentious, especially among the professional monogamy community. It diverges from advice seen in typical guides that would recommend having sex with each member of the polycule in order to get a feel for whether or not the polycule is a good fit. 

“When applying, you shouldn’t reveal your sexual hand so soon. You should exchange business cards, perhaps a cheeky kiss with a tasteful amount of tongue, and lay out your expectations and desires entering into this network. If this is done successfully, it won’t matter how much out of pocket [genitalia] you can put out right then and there, you will have formed a professional connection assuring both parties that any amount [of copulation] will help them develop their resume. Remember, informed consent is the key to climbing the corporate ladder.”

–CLS Guide to Professional Polyamory (‘26)

This goes against typical doctrine seen in Mormon and Evil polycules, where the usual advice is to have sex, play favorites, sex again, be jealous, hate sex, and then splinter off into a short lived monogamous relationship with whomever you managed to score an internship with. 

When questioned about why homo-erotic polycules warrant different advice, the author, Marianne Myriad (‘09), said, “With the CLS Guide to Professional Polyamory (‘26), I was trying to give advice suited for a more modern, woker economy. See, older guides have a spirit of tits for tat with polycules, a ‘get your bag then leave while you can!’ school of thought. But polycules aren’t devolving into stock trading think tanks and going bankrupt like they used to anymore. We’re seeing this real time rise in consolidation and a cementing of hierarchical structures, and it’s a lot harder to find results from the ‘come and go’ strategy in that type of environment. You need to commit to success, develop professional relations, and contribute to the polycule’s networth.”

With such advice in mind, this humble reporter will be going out into the field to try and join a polycule of his own. I will speak tenderly with you again soon, dear readers. Remember, stay frosty and do some warm ups before being spitroasted. B&S out.