By Ethan Hughes

Despite recent assurances concerns still remain about student organizations budgets. Many organizations don’t understand how it is possible for around 105 student organizations to request over $300,000. That would be around $3000 per student organization. That number may even be higher if SGA were able to convey numbers in an understandable way.

Our reporter on the scene at the Student org training says that multiple numbers were thrown around with inconsistent titles. At one point they said over half a million was requested from pre registered students at the end of last semester then they said another 300,000 were requested by student organizations this fall. The infographic on the screen said they had cut fifty thousand already. This article was delayed as our interns calculated those numbers but they just don’t add up. Based on different figures thrown around, between $500,000 and $800,000 were requested with only $150,000 available. Luckily our benevolent SGA has promised a more open and accountable cabinet that will keep the community informed. So far this has only played out in Student Government emails that everyone has ignored, but soon I’m sure we will get a better understanding of budgeting processes. While we wait the B&S investigates the many irresponsible and greedy student organizations that are begging for money like parasites. 

First we caught up with SBF (Sally Bestman Fries), leader of the investment club. The club is designed to help students learn how to invest and create new investment opportunities on campus. They are working with the CS department to create a new squirrel themed crypto currency. When asked about their thoughts on the budget SBF responded “it’s so bogus, like we gotta shoot for the moon not get all the FOMO, it’s all like stressing me out and hurting my grades, at this rate I’ll never get a lambo.” They refused to reveal how much they asked for but by investing in their new lines of NFTs we loosened their lips. They requested ten thousand to invest in Gamestop and Dogecoin. 

Next our interns interviewed Hans Moleman from the Janitor Club. They requested $7 to rebristle the broom they’ve been using for the last twenty years. Unfortunately their budget was denied and is being looked at by the SGA for cuts. When asked for a comment they said “Oh dear.” On an unrelated note one of our interns is being punished for plagiarizing their reporting from the Simpsons. If you nerds out there see any other Simpsons jokes in the Paper make sure to reach out and report them. None of our editors have watched the Simpsons because they aren’t in their 40’s but this type of plagiarism and poor journalism will not be tolerated by the B&S. 

Next we tried to interview the Monorail club but none of their members would stop singing monorail at the top of their lungs so we had to give up. Instead we caught up with the water gun club. They meet every Thursday on the field between the Library and HSSC that probably has a name but our research team couldn’t be bothered to google it or ask Yik Yak. Their president Convenient Fakename told us they asked for $500 for replacement super soakers as their old supply has deteriorated with age and is now outclassed by rival schools. They implored SGA that we were behind in the super soaker arms race and that if we didn’t act fast a preemptive strike by Carleton College would devastate us and prevent a retaliatory strike. Unfortunately their pleas fell on deaf ears and Grinnell could soon lose its Hegemony among liberal arts colleges in the Midwest destabilizing the region. Only mutually assured soaking can keep the peace so our students can walk to class dry, unless you know it rains. By holding up spending on defense the SGA has doomed us all even if we do spend over three times as much as Carleton on weapons of mass splash. 

Luckily no cuts have been made to the B&S budget of $200,000. Most of which is used on settlements over unfounded claims of intern abuse and false reporting. This money comes out of a separate portion of the SGA budget for student publication and is not involved in any way for the budget issues. Hopefully SGA finds a way to deal with this budget crisis that is new this year and is certainly entirely separate from the rise in wages this semester. I propose we cut the Janitor club budget. That should fix the shortfall. I mean the gall asking for $7, is the college made of money.